Sh!t..I painted your gender roles

There just isn't enough time in a day for blogging anymore.  Mostly because I work, but also partially because I'm trying to sleep enough hours a day so that I can function.  I know it's selfish of me...  But today I was reading my fav blog The Bloggess, and it made me yearn to write something whitty...or is it witty.  (Probably the second one.  The first one made me think of that episode of Family Guy where Stewie accentuates the silent 'h' in words like whip.  Hilarious.) 
A wise person once said that good humor comes from pain.  I don't have a whole lot of funny stuff happening in my life these days, because I'm happier so things don't need to be made humorous for me to cope with them anymore. 

So mostly I'm just focusing on teaching my kids to cuss properly, which is working out GREAT.  Just last night my son properly used the word "shit" in a sentence when he said to his sister.  "Don't pour out all those toys, cuz I don't wanna have to clean that shit up."  Such a proud day.  Mother of the year award nominee here.

Oh, and another proud moment (actually I was really proud of this) I had this week was when his dad's girlfriend was painting his sisters nails, and he wanted his toes painted.  She told him "no boys don't paint their toes. Only girls."  (This isn't the first time that's happened so I taught him to say "stop trying to define my gender roles.")   So Monday night he comes in and says "mommy can you paint my toes for me. Manda wouldn't do it."  I said "did you tell her to stop defining your gender roles?"  He said "yes, but she still wouldn't!"  So I grinned widely and painted them myself.  Muhahahaha...

Life is Messy

My dear readers:
I so apologize for my absence the last few months.  I have been so busy adjusting to life as a single mommy, and didn't have Internet for a couple of months.  I hope you can still find my posts...

Your blog writin' mom,

Anna

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I JUST got my Internet set up yesterday, and this morning I sat down at my computer to browse the inter webs thinking "I get to blog again...YAY!"  Then I realized I didn't know what to blog about.  Perhaps I had lost my blogging mind over the chaos of the last few months?  Maybe I just needed to brainstorm for a while and think of something I could make funny?  As any of you know it's not easy to just find any old topic and make it hilarious. There has to be a catalyst to inspired humor.  You literally can't make this shit up, and have it be as funny as real life.  Luckily, my 3 year old has a wonderful way of creating situations to write about.  At the time they're not so funny, but later...yes.

Tonight after dinner I was watching the latest episode of True Blood, while my kids played in their playroom.   My son likes to color, so it's not unusual for him to get into my "pen drawer."  He's usually very good about not getting into anything else.  This time apparently he couldn't help himself but dig through the contents of the drawer and find something more entertaining.

I heard Lillie slip and fall, so I ran in to see if she was okay, and I found a scene that was horrifying for many reasons.  First of all, I rent my house, and the substance was on the floor.  Second of all, it was covering my computer monitor.  Thirdly, my kids were covered in it.  Most importantly, my daughter had a lot of it in her mouth.  Whiteout. Oh...my...bob...

I ran to the living room to get my phone and dial poison control while I'm trying to dig the stuff out of her mouth.  It goes in a liquid and immediately turns into a hardened coating from hell.  Just try to swipe that out of their mouth!  It's stuck in teeth, covering the roof of her mouth, and coating her tongue.  The stuff smells terrible, so I'm expecting dramatics and a rush to the emergency room, but secretly hoping that milk is the cure.

Another stroke of luck...whiteout is NOT poisonous. It's merely an irritant.  And Milk was indeed the cure.  But no one escaped unscathed...not even the dog!

Anyone know how to get whiteout off linoleum? This stuff is NOT coming off.  I had to scrape it off the monitor with my fingernail.  That was so fun.  It's not really working on the floor, so I need a new plan of attack. I've also tried magic erasers (don't worry I didn't use them on the kids like that idiot that burned her kids skin), and fingernail polish remover.  The magic eraser helped on the monitor, but not on the linoleum.  The fingernail polish remover did nothing.  Where's Martha Stewart when you need her?

Hide-and-Seek

My son is now to the age where you can start playing hide-and-seek really well with him.  He knows how to count and keep his eyes covered while you hide.  His hiding skills leave something to be desired.  He thinks he can hide behind the couch and as soon as I walk by he has to show himself.

A few nights ago I was having a hard time coaxing him upstairs to go to bed, and so I yelled down.  "I'm hiding you have to come find me!"  I quickly looked around, and decided the closet was a good place to hide.  I left the doors only 2/3 of the way shut so he could see me if he really got close.  Well, he comes upstairs, giggling, and saying "Momma where are youuuuu?" He just looks around the room real quick and leaves.  I'm sitting there trying to stifle my giggles thinking it would give me away, and yet none of the sounds seemed to tip him off.  He ran back downstairs, (because in toddler logic I could have easily gone back downstairs apparently.)  So I ran to the closet at the top of the stairs and just hid with the door mostly open.  He comes back upstairs crawling and doing his best T-rex impression and I just couldn't hold the laughs in. I'm standing in the closet laughing my butt off no more than 2 feet away from him and he looked all around him BUT the closet.  It was so cute!  It reminded me how innocent he is even though he seems to be growing up so quickly.

So if you want to feel like a pro at hide-and-seek....play with a toddler. ;)

Public Display of Discipline

After work today I had to run to Wal Mart after work to get some essentials. For us that would be bananas, cheese and milk.  Also Byron needed some more plastic pants, because he's just finally getting potty trained away from home.  (As long as he's naked he's potty trained, but that doesn't work so well outside of the home.) Anyway, Byron was in a very good mood, and he asked to walk next to the cart instead of riding like usual.  Since he was being good I obliged.  As we walked through the front doors he saw the coin operated games and rides to the left and made a bee-line.  Of course I told him no, and that we had to hurry and get our groceries.  Well, as you can imagine, a melt-down of epic proportions ensued. He was inconsolable.  So I decided to find a spot for a time out.  Right in front the pharmacy is some benches, and I plopped him down, stepped a few feet away and turned to the side.  The kid is just screaming bloody murder and freaking out.  Every person that walks by or is standing near me is staring.  Then this lady walks up to him and says "are you lost?"  I was like "he's just in a time out.  He's fine."  She goes "well public isn't the best place for a time out. You might want to think about that next time."

Okay people what the heck?!  If you don't punish your kids in public you're a bad parent? If you do you're a bad parent?  Make up your minds.  I almost asked her if I should just spank him right there in the store and have CPS swoop in on me like a plague of locusts.  They have so many cameras in Wal Mart they could get it from every angle and plaster it all over the news.  I can see the headline now,"WORLD'S WORST MOM SPANKS SON IN WAL MART!"  Although the bad publicity worked out for the Octomom and Kate Gosslin, so maybe I could ride that to fame and fortune.

Dream Come True

I'm going to go ahead and be honest here and let everyone know that when I was married (technically I still am, but I consider myself mentally divorced already) I often "fantasized" about life as a single person again.  Not in a sexual way, so that I could go out and sleep with every guy that I could get my hands on, but in a simplified life kind of way.
For example I have a fairly good sized house, and I would often picture myself in a little house that was nice and cozy, but arranged just how I like things.  That should be coming true in the near future; provided we can sell this one.  I like my house, don't get me wrong, but like I said the word simple comes to mind.

I also imagined that if I didn't have a husband anymore then my house would stay clean more easily.  Now with two kids I'm sure you're all laughing at me right now, but ladies...it's TRUE.  I have less laundry, less dishes, and the bathroom stays clean much longer.   I don't have socks to pick up off the floor or toothpaste splatters to clean off the wall.  The pillows on the couch stay arranged how I like, and the dish washer gets loaded in an orderly fashion. Now how is it possible that a grown man can make such a mess?  I don't know.  It boggles the mind!  He grew up in a very clean house, and yet I still had to clean pee dribbles off the front of the toilet.  Ewww!

You also may not realize this, but men take up a LOT of free time.  Now that I'm not spending time on nurturing a relationship or sex there are more hours in the day for chick flicks (which I wasn't able to watch) and chocolate.  I can go to Jazzercise any time I want.  I can make whatever food I want for dinner, and there is no one to complain.  Not to mention there is actually leftovers to reheat the next day, so I only have to cook a few times a week instead of daily.  BONUS!

Now if you're happily married, and I do stress the word HAPPILY, please don't think I'm trying to encourage you to leave your husband just so you have more time to read your Twlight books. (Let's be honest...Edward and Jacob never disappoint you emotionally!) But, if you find yourself plodding through your marriage or day dreaming about a little loft apartment filled with Chick Lit and cheesecake...maybe you should let it go.  It's was scary in the beginning, but now I just want it over with so I can move along. :)

The Beginning of the End

Obviously I haven't written a blog in nearly 2 months now, and I do apologize for that.  First I went through a little struggle with writer's block, and then about 3 weeks ago my husband and I separated.  Needless to say my humor level has been a little low.  So today's blog probably won't make you laugh, but I feel the need to write.

About three weeks ago my life was turned upside down by finding out my husband was talking to yet another woman behind my back.  This has happened so many times during our 5 year relationship that it's almost comical now to look back on it.  Why did I let that happen to myself?  Why did I let him disrespect me over and over again?  Now the struggle of trying to posture myself as the perfect little wife is over, and I feel so free.  Free to do the things I want to now without worry that he will disapprove or tease me.  Free to find someone that loves me for the amazingly strong person I am.  I forgot how strong I was, but just to put up with things over the last 5 years took strength.

Now, of course he's already moved on.  Starting a new relationship when the papers aren't filed yet.  I find myself torn about this.  On one hand I feel better without him around.  On the other the crazy and jealous feelings brought up by infidelity over the relationship are still there.  It hurts a little still.  I kind of want to tell that chick that he's not who she thinks, but no one ever listens to the woman scorned.  Ladies, sometimes it's impossible for a man to date that many crazy people in his lifetime.  There starts to be a little truth to the things they say.  I think they should come out with a survey system for dating.  That way you could just look up a person's over all personality, cleanliness, and appearance!  It would save so much time.  I'm not talking about going all Don't Date Him Girl on every person you date.  That's not right.  But one woman's trash is another's treasure.

One woman may consider being wined and dined the type of romance she desires from her mate.  I on the other hand would love a spouse who does little things for me instead.  I would prefer someone to take the garbage out for me everyday or show up at my work to give me a hug over flowers any day.  I've already been married to the guy who will give you anything except love me the way I deserve.  Or simply to know I'm appreciated would be a big step.

At any rate, I will no longer be a Stay-at-home mom anymore.  I'm about to enter the crazy life of a working mother, so I'm hoping that some good material comes from this new direction.  Maybe my blog will be better than ever!  Wish me luck. ;)

The F word

My son got in trouble at Jazzercise daycare for saying "F***er." I'm so embarrassed. He got that one from me. I've got a bit of a potty mouth. Ok a pretty good one. I'm able to control it in polite company, but when I'm relaxed I really let it go. I was a dispatcher for a trucking company for a while, and that is when I really started cussing a lot. Now that I'm married to a truck driver, well, it's not really helping the situation.

So the daycare lady told me he said that and I did a major face palm. At home when he says those words I say "don't say that it's a grown up word." Obviously that's not cutting it. Besides the fact that I have a really hard time not laughing or at least cracking a smile when he blurts out "oh shit" with perfect timing isn't helping anything. My kids love an audience.

The problem is I don't know if this is irreversible or not. I told Byron that I will try not to say those words if he tries not to say them too. We'll do it together. But it isn't going to be easy! I *heart* the F word. I just do. As a kid I heard both my parents cuss, and my mom has a few stories about how I embarrassed her with my inopportune use of the words. So I guess paybacks really are a bitch. (See I just cussed. DOH!) Then as I grew up I didn't use those words until I was pretty much grown, and if I did it was never in front of adults. So somewhere along the lines I learned how to keep my mouth shut at the right times.

So there's another challenge for myself this year. Stop cussing. Okay, only when I get hurt. How hard is it going to be to not say "OUCH! F**K!" when I stub my toe? That's just a natural reaction. You have to say it then. Or what about when you are carrying a load of groceries into the house and the bag breaks and a jar of spaghetti sauce shatters all over the damn (DOH) place ? You have to say "SHIT!" It's just how it's done. Right? What do people who don't cuss say in those situations? Don't tell me they say "shoot" or "fudge," because those are basically the same thing, or so I've been told. Maybe I'll start saying what Thomas says "CINDERS AND ASHES!" Or how about "CHEESE AND CRACKERS!" Is it acceptable to just say the letter of the word? Like "F that! That's BS!"

So many rules...

Hey I just thought of a good original one "SALT & VINEGAR CHIPS!" "TOILET SCRUBBER!" (That's a really dirty one.) Got any ideas for more?