Things I Wasn't Prepared for in Motherhood

I got to thinking the other day, as one of these things happened, that no one told me about these things. Or maybe they did and I said "ya right that will never happen to me...my kids will be better than that." Wasn't that naive of me?! I mean you go into parenting knowing that things will change about your everyday life. That you'll have less time to yourself. That you have to change diapers now. That you will have to give up things for your child's sake. Those things you are prepared for, but there are other little things you didn't know would happen. Those moments come and you just sit there, bewildered, and blinking, and think to yourself. "No that didn't just happen to me? My free lifestyle got traded for this?!"

Here we go:
1) Immediately after you give birth, you suddenly don't care how many people walk into that delivery room. You're so tired, and relieved that you literally don't care if people see your Hoo Haw. I was stunned by this when I later gained back some modesty!

2) The first time you stand up after giving birth everything will look like a horror show happened there. I'm breaking a code of ethics among mother's here, because this is something that no one talks to you about until after you have a baby. Otherwise, it might scare people who haven't had kids. Most people that read this have kids, so if you don't...it's really not that bad. *wink* *wink*

3) When you give birth, a good portion of your brain falls out with the baby. I had heard of "mommy brain," but again I thought it wouldn't happen to me. I've had an audio graphic memory nearly all my life, but once I had kids I forget things so easily. I should buy stock in sticky notes! I have to write EVERYTHING down. Even ideas for my blog. (My iPhone has a notepad that is great for this, by the way!) If you ask me my birthdate I may or may not remember it on a given day, but I can sure as heck tell you how many times my kid pooped that day so far! Speaking of poop...

4) I didn't think that poop would become a major aspect of my life. NEVER, EVER, did I think that I would worry about how many times my kids have pooped that week. Never did I think that I would have my child spray me with poop mid-diaper change...more than once. Never did I think that I would be cleaning poop off the carpet after my son decides he would rather use the floor than his diaper or the potty. Certainly, I never expected to do a dance and make up a song for my son that says "you went poop on the POTTY...WHOO...You're a big boy now...WHOO!" Never. I'm way too cool for that! Don't even ask me how many times I've had my son pee on me either...can't count them all!

5) I didn't realize my clothes would become a Kleenex for my kids. Pretty much self-explanatory. Your kids will wipe anything on their face onto your shirt. Which leads me to...

6) I didn't expect to find stained shirts acceptable for everyday wear. When my son reached a certain age he would either wipe snot, food, or spit on my shirt every time I picked him up. So it got to the point where I would just pick a shirt out of my closet and if it had a stain I would say "like it matters...I'm just going to get more on it later!" Sometimes I go in public like this without even noticing, but when someone tells me I'm not even embarrassed.

7) Getting things sneezed into my face. Let's see I've had spit (normal sneeze), pureed squash, cottage cheese, sticky red medicines, sticky clear medicines, and various other substances sneezed into my face since I became a mother. Every time it happens I think of those variety shows where they get a pie smashed in their face and have to wipe their eyes clear to see. Plus, you always get that same look of utter disbelief, and resignation when it happens.

8) Barf. I can't even tell you how many times I've been barfed on since I became a mom. It happens a LOT when my kid is sick, because he doesn't feel good and comes running to me just as the chunks are rising...voila! Mom is barfed on. The worst part about it is that it doesn't bother me as much as I thought. I have always had a weak stomach, and was a huge sympathy puker. I mean I threw up when I had to clean up dog barf only about a year before my son was born. Since I became a mom I can clean up any barfy mess you give me! And I could tell you some stories about barfs around here!

9) Baby erections. It makes me uncomfortable every time! I'm trying to be a mature mom and ignore it, but I just want to say "cover up boy...that's not Kosher!" Or laugh and point. One of the two! I know...so mature.

10) Being followed like the pied piper. But in my house it's not rats. It's dogs, kids, and even my husband. I can't shower by myself. I can't go to the bathroom by myself. Every time I turn around I'm tripping on someone or something. It really makes things take a lot longer than they should. Some days I get so fed up with it I have actually yelled "will everyone please go do something else and leave me alone! I just want to load the dishwasher without you all in the way! GAHHH!!"

Those are all I can think of now, but feel free to add some of your own in the comments!