Mom Olympics

Today I took a trip to the store during a small snow storm we're having here. When I went in it was freezing rain, and when I came out it was snowing again. I had my snow boots on, so I was set there, but I was having a little trouble pushing the cart. My cart was filled with groceries, and two kids. I was pushing it slightly uphill through the snow/slush/crusty ice. I mean I was almost horizontal pushing that damn thing! By the time I reached the car I was out of breath, my already sore thighs (from working out you perverts) were shaking, and I had a dewy glow on my brow. It was crazy, and I thought to myself "this should be an Olympic sport." Then I thought to myself "there are lots of things moms do that could be made into a sport." It's true! I mean sometimes being a mother requires every ounce of strength, agility, speed, and creativity we've got. How many times have you sat there for a minute and thought about how you would execute something with your kids in the mix? Personally, I can't even count. Just go back to those posts about flying with 2 kids and you've got about 2 dozen right there.

So here are some of the other events I'd put in the mom Olympics:

1) Getting out of the house with yourself and your children fully dressed in less than 10 minutes. Honestly, it is pure insanity itself to even put that time restraint on yourself, but sometimes we've got an emergency or rare situation when you have only minutes to leave the house. Inevitably my toddler is running around laughing at me as I try to catch him to put his clothes on, and the baby pulls her socks and shoes off 5 times before we leave. I've managed to get out of the house in minutes, but it isn't pretty and I need a stiff drink afterwards.

2) Trying to get all your errands done before the baby gets tired or hungry. There is a short window and these things require planning. The minute they're up from their nap you have to shove food in their mouth and throw them in the car, so that you can get all your errands done before the meltdown happens. Very hard to avoid. You've probably seen me in Wal Mart with the screaming baby and a toddler that is about to wiggle himself out of the cart headfirst.

3) Changing diapers on a newly mobile baby or young toddler. I've had to resort to putting my foot on the baby to keep them from wiggling away before I can either a) get the poop off before the baby wiggles it all over both of us and the carpet or b) get the Velcro tabs cinched down on the new one. It's like trying to diaper a de-clawed cat!

4) Feeding the kids and yourself at the same time when you have only 5 minutes. In between shoving bites in your own mouth you have to shove them in the baby's mouth, and yell at the toddler to "please eat! for the love of god, we have to leave in 3 minutes!"

5) Install a car seat on an airplane while you have a baby strapped to your chest.

6) Pregnancy triathalon - you have to shave your legs, paint your toe nails and tie your shoes. First one done wins.

A Steaming Pile of Fun

Meet my new best friend....I call him Hoovy.

Hoovy is a Hoover HeatSurge carpet cleaner.
Hoovy was purchased as a luxury item about 5 months ago. I had just thrown away our crappy Little Green, after months of it oozing black stuff onto my cream colored carpet, and was fretting over the decision to buy a new one. Should I buy another little one? Do I want to spend the money to get a full sized carpet cleaner? These are tough decisions for the frugal minded. So after pacing up and down the isle in Wal Mart I finally hoisted it into the cart and walked quickly away beore I could change my mind.
Even as the unopened box sat in my car for the rest of the evening (because I didn't feel like bringing it in yet, since that is admitting your purchase) I debated if it was a good purchase. The next morning I woke up, fed the dogs and kiddo, and assembled Hoovy. Little did I know this would be a pivotal moment in my life.
The very next day my son tipped over a vase with nearly dead flowers in it, which happened to contain lillies. The pollen from the lillies mixed with the water in the vase and made a bright-ass yellow stain on my CREAM carpet. "Shit, that is never going to come out," I say to myself. Low and behold Hoovy came through for me on his first day on the job. Not a trace of yellow to be found.
Since then I have cleaned up many messes with it.
Last week, my husband walked across our carpet, again very CREAM colored, with grease on his boots. Murder was considered, but instead I put dish soap on it and sicked Hoovy on it. Success. It got it all out! A miracle to say the least.
However, I am beginning to resent my relationship with Hoovy since we got our new "puppy." I've been spending a good portion of my day cleaning up unidentifiable stains. I feel like carpet cleaning is my part-time job. In the last 3 days I have cleaned up: juice, tomato sauce, dog barf, dog pee, baby poop, and chocolate pudding (my husband again).
Maybe Hoovy and I should start charging for our services!

*This is an entry I wrote as a journal for another website about a year and a half ago. I decided to bring it here, because it's a good one. ;) Wouldn't want my readers to miss out!

Uncomfortable Situations

For over a week now, I've been having a serious case of writer's block. Probably if I wasn't trying to write a humor blog I would have lots of things to say, but sometimes you just don't feel funny. Lo and behold I went to Spokane again today. This place is a goldmine for blogging apparently. I came back with the idea for 3 different blogs. I'm going to start with this one though, because it is the one I have developed the most in my head.

Here is a list of situations I find uncomfortable. Once again, I encourage you to respond with your similar situations to continue the laughs.

1. Using the bathroom at a restaurant and seeing an employee leave without washing their hands. Eww! This situation is never a good one. It gives you a huge case of the icks. The worst is when you see that AFTER you've eaten your meal and are preparing to leave the restaurant. If you notice before you can still leave before you've been infected with whatever nasty bacteria you could get, but after you've already eaten. Ya, there is no feeling like knowing you might get sick. The ironic part is how often do you get sick at a restaurant that you see a worker not wash their hands? Not often. It's usually a sneak attack when you think you're safe!

2. Sitting in the gynecologist office waiting room. You're just all sitting around knowing your going to get every one's favorite exam. There is no escaping it. Everyone there knows that you're going to have a doctor's face between your legs within minutes of each other. Now that I think about it. It's kind of like your doctor is cheating on you with everyone in the room. We should all be really catty in the waiting room. Instead we're like {whispering} "are you done with that People Magazine? Oh you're here to see Dr. Smith too. Their the best, aren't they? My vagina used to hate going for a checkup. She would break out in a cold sweat, but not since I started seeing Dr. Smith!" Where else in real life do you have that conversation?

3. Sitting on a public toilet and reading about STD prevention. It's just not something you want to think about at that particular moment. It's a good thing to warn people about, but it just gets you thinking. What's on this toilet? Was someone just sitting here and said to themselves "oh my, I didn't even think about getting a disease from that guy with the icky sores. Maybe I should get checked?!" No, you want delusions that everyone who sat on that toilet before you had a pristine hiney. Nuns. That's who I want to have sat on that toilet before me. Nuns.

4. Elevators! I find elevators to be highly uncomfortable for two reasons. 1) you are in such close quarters with people you sort of feel obligated to talk to them. It's kind of like being locked in a closet with someone and not talking to them. But it's doubly awkward, because you don't know what floor they are getting off on. Maybe your conversation will be cut short! Then you just sound like a buffoon. 2) The elevator is sometimes to full to fit everyone in your family in the car. So then you feel like an idiot for trying to press yourselves into the elevator with all your baby gear. Sometimes you just can't fit, and then you feel dumb for wasting every ones time instead of just sending them on and waiting for the next one.

5. When someone waves from far away and it looks like they are waving at you, but they could be waving at someone behind you. That's awkward! You wave back hesitantly. Unsure if they are waving at you. Only to find out they weren't! This is more embarassing when it's an aquaintance who is really waving at someone they like more than you.

Package Problems

Not that you perverts. I know what you were thinking when I said "package problems!" You were hoping for another post about s-e-x! Welp, sorry to disappoint you, but I want to talk about something a little more mundane.
Have you purchased anything in a clam shell (focus...I know it's easy to get sidetracked by dirty thoughts!) or in the children's toy aisle recently? The precautions they take to keep people from stealing things have gotten out of control. Anytime you buy an electronic accessory of some sort you are forced to contend with the molded plastic clam shell monstrosities they are packaged in. Those things are so difficult to get into that someone invented a tool to open them more easily. I don't remember what the tool is called, but I wish I did. I would buy it. It probably comes in a clam shell too. So then what are you supposed to do? You make some strategic cuts and then try to Hulk that thing open like you're tearing phonebooks in half. I've cut myself more than once on one of those bad boys. YIKES! Maybe I should sue someone for the physical pain I endure opening their product. It really takes away from the joy of opening that brand new sparkly cellphone charger when it takes you an hour to wrestle it out of the package.

Then there are the toy packages. Seriously Fisher Price, I think two freakishly, hard to untwist, twisty ties is ample to secure your Little People Airplane in it's packaging. You don't have to put ten of them. I mean if someone is going to sit in the store aisle, and somehow manage to finagle that toy out of the box with a few of those twist ties AND dodge the surveillance cameras; I say they deserve that free toy. That would really be something!! I can barely get those puppies out in the comfort of my own home under the impatient eye of my toddler. After a while, he just gets frustrated and just decides to play with it in the box, because he can't wait! Now that's embarrassing. Your own child gives up hope of you ever getting that toy free from the package!