Mom Olympics

Today I took a trip to the store during a small snow storm we're having here. When I went in it was freezing rain, and when I came out it was snowing again. I had my snow boots on, so I was set there, but I was having a little trouble pushing the cart. My cart was filled with groceries, and two kids. I was pushing it slightly uphill through the snow/slush/crusty ice. I mean I was almost horizontal pushing that damn thing! By the time I reached the car I was out of breath, my already sore thighs (from working out you perverts) were shaking, and I had a dewy glow on my brow. It was crazy, and I thought to myself "this should be an Olympic sport." Then I thought to myself "there are lots of things moms do that could be made into a sport." It's true! I mean sometimes being a mother requires every ounce of strength, agility, speed, and creativity we've got. How many times have you sat there for a minute and thought about how you would execute something with your kids in the mix? Personally, I can't even count. Just go back to those posts about flying with 2 kids and you've got about 2 dozen right there.

So here are some of the other events I'd put in the mom Olympics:

1) Getting out of the house with yourself and your children fully dressed in less than 10 minutes. Honestly, it is pure insanity itself to even put that time restraint on yourself, but sometimes we've got an emergency or rare situation when you have only minutes to leave the house. Inevitably my toddler is running around laughing at me as I try to catch him to put his clothes on, and the baby pulls her socks and shoes off 5 times before we leave. I've managed to get out of the house in minutes, but it isn't pretty and I need a stiff drink afterwards.

2) Trying to get all your errands done before the baby gets tired or hungry. There is a short window and these things require planning. The minute they're up from their nap you have to shove food in their mouth and throw them in the car, so that you can get all your errands done before the meltdown happens. Very hard to avoid. You've probably seen me in Wal Mart with the screaming baby and a toddler that is about to wiggle himself out of the cart headfirst.

3) Changing diapers on a newly mobile baby or young toddler. I've had to resort to putting my foot on the baby to keep them from wiggling away before I can either a) get the poop off before the baby wiggles it all over both of us and the carpet or b) get the Velcro tabs cinched down on the new one. It's like trying to diaper a de-clawed cat!

4) Feeding the kids and yourself at the same time when you have only 5 minutes. In between shoving bites in your own mouth you have to shove them in the baby's mouth, and yell at the toddler to "please eat! for the love of god, we have to leave in 3 minutes!"

5) Install a car seat on an airplane while you have a baby strapped to your chest.

6) Pregnancy triathalon - you have to shave your legs, paint your toe nails and tie your shoes. First one done wins.

I have a phobia OKAY!

For anyone who knows me this is a well-known fact. I am a needle phobe. Seriously. The thought of shots gets me all sweaty, and my heart starts to race. The last time I got a shot was when I was 16, and I worked myself up so much that by the time the nurse gave it to me I passed out. So, when I made the decision to get WEEKLY allergy shots it was for a couple reasons. 1) I have bad allergies to many things around me. I'm allergic to dogs, and I have 3. I'm allergic to sagebrush and tumbleweeds, and I live in the desert. More importantly I'm allergic to cows, and hay. My husband's dream is to farm and have cows. So allergy shots might help me deal with that. And...
2) I wanted to force myself to get over my fear. Or at least lessen it. Right now it's affecting my decisions for my health, such as I haven't had a tetanus shot since I was 16. I need to get up the courage to say I want it, but that is so much easier said than done. I thought a little exposure therapy might help me suck it up. '
Allergy shots use very small needles, and they only go into the subcutaneous layer of the skin, not into the muscle. Everyone was telling me this, and that they were easy. The thing is you can't tell someone with a phobia that it doesn't hurt. They won't believe you. If I go up to a person afraid of heights and say...."oh the Ferris wheel isn't scary, just try it!" They are NOT going to believe me. More than likely they will not get on that Ferris wheel, unless they really want to try to work past their fear.

I had explained these fears to my doctor & nurse. I left the kids with my mom, so that they wouldn't see me act like a Sissy LaLa Bedwetter for my shots, and I walked to the office. I needed to walk to help with my anxiety. When I walked in she was literally surprised to see me. She said "oh I thought I'd have to call your sister (who already gets shots) and have her drag you in here."
"No," I said. "I'm afraid, but I'm doing this to get past that."

She made me sit in a chair and suck on a Jolly Rancher in case I decided to pass out. Then the next thing I know she's like "okay other arm." I DID NOT EVEN FEEL THE FIRST SHOT!
The second one pinched a bit, but it wasn't bad at all. Now I feel like a total idiot for even being nervous, but like I said I have a phobia. At least I won't be afraid to get the shots every week for 3-5 years now.

Now I just have to talk myself into that tetanus shot....

Did I mention I was REALLY busy...I don't think I have time. ;)

Had a baaaad day and Mess of the Day

Ever have one of those days that things just keep going wrong all day? I had one of those today. I felt like I should just go back to bed and start over only you can't do that when you have 2 kids and a new puppy. (Oh ya, in case you didn't know we got a puppy...I know I'm crazy. She's really good though. So far no accidents in the 2 days we've had her.) Anyway, the day started out good, but turned bad in a hurry. I strode out of the bathroom after doing my make-up, ready to dress the kids and head off to play date when I noticed my son licking the floor. I get closer, and see a puddle of brown liquid on the floor and the Jumbo size Maple Syrup bottle next to it. My son poured Maple Syrup on my off white carpet that had just been professionally steam cleaned 2 weeks before. So after I went off of him for 5 minutes, and did the best I could to quickly clean it up with my Hoover Steam Cleaner I grabbed the kids and dressed them quickly to go to playgroup. I needed this time out to vent to other moms and distract myself as much as he did. He said he didn't want to go, so I like to think it was sort of a punishment. ;)

After playgroup we went to the store, and when we returned I tried to shut my garage door and it wouldn't shut. I had to call a service tech out. As I'm talking to the guy for that on the phone Byron decided to RoundUp the entire garage with my husbands sprayer. So I had to yell at him while I was on the phone. Embarrassing. Ended up fixable on the garage door, but it's life is short lived and will be needing a new one soon.

I go inside and notice a red spot on the carpet in the dining room. Get closer and discover it's freaking hot sauce. Do you know how hard it is to get hot sauce out? Almost as hard as engine grease (that was my husband's fault, and he nearly lost his life to a deranged wife that day.)

Finally, I decided to use a brightening product on my towels that said it was for whites AND colors, but it totally bleached them. ALL of my towels are now peach instead of beige.

Stick a fork in me....I'm done with this day!

Wait A Minute...

I thought the terrible twos were supposed to be ending, and the "cute as a button threes" would start! Not that my son isn't cute. He can be very charming, and says the most adorable things. For instance, the other day he came into the bathroom, where his sister was crawling around and grabbed hold of her bum and started shaking it back and forth going "shakin' you booty...shakin' you booty." SO freakin' cute!

But he's also entering this phase where he is so bossy. He will come in and say "mom clean up this mess." Or my favorite is when my husband and I are having a loud discussion, he says "calm down (Mommy or Daddy)." Or in his more desperate moments he tells us to "shut up." Great.

The worst is his new found burst of independence. He has to do EVERYTHING by himself or a meltdown of epic proportions ensues. Just try telling him he can't slice his own apple, and he falls to the floor in a hissy fit. The frustrating part of this is that I do allow him to do more things, but of course it takes him longer to make a peanut butter sandwich than it takes me. With 5 times the mess.

But he can be heartbreakingly sweet too. His vocabulary and speech are coming along so nicely. Each day he comes up with new words, but my favorites are always "I love you mommy."

Advice From Every Angle

I was watching a rerun of Oprah today all about how rude people are these days. I totally agree, but I think that sometimes we are rude unintentionally. Especially as mothers. I mean, as a mother it's hard not to try to force your ideas on someone else. There is a difference between giving advice, and making the other mom feel like a failure. I have had a few of these recently.

1) Potty training. I already know that my son is almost 3 and isn't potty trained, but for some reason people remind me of this constantly. I will see someone I haven't seen in a while, and they say "did you get Byron all potty trained now?" And I of course reply with "not yet, I've tried everything." "BUT HE'S ALMOST 3, " they say. Really?! I had no idea my son has a birthday coming up. I labored 36hrs to push that kid out of my loins, but can't remember what day it was on. Thanks for reminding me! Besides, it's not for lack of trying! Some children are just stubborn. Mine is one of those stubborn kids. Probably one day he will just walk up to me and say "mother I'm ready to use the lavatory" and we will never look back. In the meantime, I have to hear "BUT HE'S ALMOST 3" every time I see someone who asks me this question.

2) Sleeping through the night. Honestly, like I want my child to wake up every 2 hours to nurse. Again I hear "she's old enough to be sleeping through the night now." Okaaaay, but she's not. What do you want me to do? I'm not going to drug a 6 month old. I don't have the nerves at that hour of night to let her cry for 30 min. I can handle 5 or maybe 10, but I'm too soft to go much longer. "Feed her rice cereal before bed," they say. Sure, if I could get her to swallow it that might help. Which leads me to...

3) Solid foods. At 4 months people started asking me if I was feeding her solids yet. Which I wasn't for 3 reasons. 1) I didn't feed them to my son until 6 months 2) I don't see the necessity in feeding them pulverized rice 3) Nursing is easier. Now that she has reached 6 months I've tried every 1st food without success, until yesterday she wouldn't swallow any of it. Which goes to show that my kids will not be pushed. They will do things in their own time.

I think the same is true for many things about motherhood and family life in general. I have my own little system of things. I only put my kids on a loose schedule. I don't feed solids until 6 months. I think breastfeeding is the bees knees. I put my kids to bed before 8pm if possible. I use a bullpen full of discipline techniques. But, these things don't work well for everyone. So when I give advice I TRY to be nonchalant about it. I don't want to sound like a know-it-all, because I'm not.

This is not to say that if I hear a good suggestion I don't try it out. I do! Some work and some don't, but I think delivery of the advice is important.

Potty Training SUCKS!

Okay, I'm trying to potty train, but I'm just not good at it. So far all I've managed to train my son to do is pee his pants and put them in a bucket to soak. I mean if you wanna get down to it he is learning when he's wet, and that it's uncomfortable...but not what I was going for. He still isn't asking to go to the potty. On occasion he does ask, but then doesn't go to the bathroom. I've tried taking him ever half an hour, making him clean up his own messes, and bribes. It's not working! But should I just give up and go back?

I thought we had a breakthrough the other day. He asked to sit on the potty and he made a trickle. SO I did the happy dance, and gave him his bribe. Then a few minutes later I left the room for a few minutes to change the baby, and I come back to him "christening" my brand new sit and stand stroller. He was standing on the toddler seat part and just letting go a yellow river! A full bladder pee ladies and gentleman. I made him help me clean it up, but I'm thinking of letting go for a while. Should I keep letting him wear underwear or go back to diapers?

Don't Come A Knockin'

This is a little PSA for anyone that feels the need to come to my door randomly selling anything. I don't care what you're selling. I'm not buying. I have enough to do everyday without having to sit there with my door agape, flies buzzing in, air conditioning escaping, while I try to tell you "no." Why the two letters N and O formed together in a word, explaining my lack of interest isn't enough, I don't know. I have to tell you multiple times. On multiple occasions sometimes! I mean how many times can certain religious groups come by and hear "No I'm not interested?" Maybe they should make a sheet of addresses, and next to the address put "not interested."

At least twice in the last couple of months, said knockers have come to my door and the TV is on, the kids are screaming, and I just ignore it. I see them go to the neighbors house first and I'm forewarned. They make me uncomfortable, and if my kids are screaming it's not really a good time to have a discussion on theology. Is that rude? To not answer my door if I'm too busy? Probably! Even more rude, my kid was yelling "MOMMY LADY AT THE DOOR!!" Repeatedly. But I just ignored it and walked by my windowed door to go change a poopy diaper.

I get a lot of kids coming around to sell things for various organizations. Sometimes I feel it is a worthy cause, and sometimes I don't. I always feel obligated to buy, because it's a child. How many tubs of cookie dough can one person buy? I do not need extra cookie dough sitting around. That's bad news for this lady. Or rolls of wrapping paper? They are tiny rolls and they cost like $7 each! I could buy 2 big rolls at WalMart for that price. I know....I know...it's for a good cause. Maybe. The one that really made me feel bad is the "Jog-a-thon for school supplies." (I pledged okay!) I asked the little girl what kind of school supplies, and she said, "oh you know Kleenex, art supplies, and copier paper." I just kept thinking to myself "how bad is our educational system when kids need to run laps to earn the money for our school to have Kleenex?" Seriously folks, we're having a funding crisis apparently. When I went to school the Kleenex was "free" no running required.

Oh and what about those magazine sales people that are trying to become famous? Is that legit? Cuz back in college I bought a subscription to VIBE from a really hot guy, and I did get my magazines. Two years of a magazine I didn't really identify with much. It just seems kinda shady. Plus, I haven't seen his name in lights yet. Poor dude.

Anyway, the point is...it annoys me when people sell things door to door. So stop it. Or don't, but I'm not answering anymore.

The PR of Parenting

I believe I previously mentioned that I went to school for Public Relations. I do have a deep love for this, but I never got the foot in the door after college. Then the next thing I know I'm married and pregnant. So much for writing media packets, event planning, and fixing disasters (I can't even think of the name of that right now. Oye vey!) CRISIS MANAGEMENT! Duh. Okay, anyway I still yearn to practice PR. The other day I noticed that as a parent you are constantly practicing public relations skills. Most specifically "spinning" things to be appealing to your child.


1) Spinning - My son will avoid trying new foods, because he doesn't know what they are. Even desserts! I have to tell him what it is, or is similar to, in his favorites category. For instance, we were at a festival last night and tried a deep fried Snickers. I asked him if he wanted a bite. He shook his head. "It's like cake," I said. He takes a bite.


2) Promotion - You are the spokesman for your child. All children act out at times or do something unsavory in the presence of other parents. In order to maintain face you must a) accept responsibility for the actions of your child b) do some sort of punishment visable to all around and appropriate (not an easy task) and c) vow that they will never do it again or will try to do better. Just like in being a spokesperson for a company. You can promise things all you want, but you don't have any real control. That's why they need a PR person in the first place.



3) Party Planning - Children's birthday parties. Need I say more? Everything has to have a theme, and be original.

4) Crisis Management - Being a parent you deal with crises on a regular basis. It can be anything from a real emergency that requires medical attention to lost lovies. I was making breakfast once when my son was just over a year old. We have cabinet locks on our doors, but since I was cooking bacon I'd left it open for a min so I could easily throw away the package. I put the bacon in the pan and turned around to see my son sitting there with a Cascade Power Pack ripped open. Just as I looked he swiped some of the detergent off the floor and into his mouth. He spit most of it out, but I was freaked! So I grabbed the box, and read the emergency advice. It said give them milk if it is ingested. So I gave him some milk, and then I called Poison Control. They said that he should be fine, since it was just a bit and I had done the right thing by giving him the milk. By keeping a level head, I had avoided making a mistake into a crisis. I could have freaked out and went off screaming for someone to call an ambulance, but I just read the label.

5) Media Relations - Sending out regular emails full of pictures to family and friends.

Scatterbrain

It's a good thing I'm so scatterbrained lately, or I might have nothing to write about. Or, maybe I would have more to write about if I didn't forget it. I can't remember. Anyway, yesterday I was having a lazy day. You know where you take a shower, and put on clean pajamas. Do nothing, but the bare minimum around the house, etc. Around 4 o'clock I took Byron outside to enjoy the heat minus the sun. (We are very fair people, sun isn't our friend.) I was paying some bills, and I kept writing 7/21/09 on the checks. Thinking to myself "the 21st...hmmm...why does that ring a bell." It took a while, but suddenly it hit me. "OH $#&@! I forgot to get Ryan's tonnage." I glanced at my phone. 5:06 p.m. Are they closed already? So I called real quick. They are open until 5:30 p.m. So now I have a dilemma. Can I make it there by 5:30? My son was soaking wet in nothing but a tshirt and a diaper. I was in pajamas with hair that air dried, and no make-up. Not even mascara. I don't leave my house without mascara. I just don't! (I'm not high maintenance it's just a quirk I have, because my eye lashes are so light colored people tell me I look sick without it.)
"Screw it, I'll give it a shot!"
So I start running around. I put the baby, who happened to be the only one dressed for the day, in her car seat. Then I tackled Byron and put him in a dry diaper and clothes.
"FIND YOUR SHOES BYRON," I yelled. He stood there looking at me dumb founded as I'm hopping around trying to put my own pants on and my flip flops at the same time.
"NEVER MIND THERE ARE SHOES IN THE CAR. GO TO THE CAR!"
I didn't lock my doors, I just set the security system and left the TV on to scare away intruders. Then I put the baby in, and chased my son into the car. I zipped out of the garage at exactly 5:13 p.m.
I arrived at the office at 5:25 p.m. and rushed the kids out of the car. Only when I got inside the Department of Licensing office, did I realize that I had forgotten the form showing I paid our Heavy Road Use Tax.
Horror crossed my face. "Oh no. All that for nothing?! Now I'll have to come back tomorrow!"
"What's wrong?" Asked the lady behind the counter.
"I forgot my Heavy Road Tax," I said.
"Oh don't worry, you don't have to have it in til October this year. Just fax it to us so you don't forgot again."
"THANK GOODNESS!"
So I bought the tonnage and went back home. Almost a non event! That's what I get for being scatterbrained.

A Steaming Pile of Fun

Meet my new best friend....I call him Hoovy.

Hoovy is a Hoover HeatSurge carpet cleaner.
Hoovy was purchased as a luxury item about 5 months ago. I had just thrown away our crappy Little Green, after months of it oozing black stuff onto my cream colored carpet, and was fretting over the decision to buy a new one. Should I buy another little one? Do I want to spend the money to get a full sized carpet cleaner? These are tough decisions for the frugal minded. So after pacing up and down the isle in Wal Mart I finally hoisted it into the cart and walked quickly away beore I could change my mind.
Even as the unopened box sat in my car for the rest of the evening (because I didn't feel like bringing it in yet, since that is admitting your purchase) I debated if it was a good purchase. The next morning I woke up, fed the dogs and kiddo, and assembled Hoovy. Little did I know this would be a pivotal moment in my life.
The very next day my son tipped over a vase with nearly dead flowers in it, which happened to contain lillies. The pollen from the lillies mixed with the water in the vase and made a bright-ass yellow stain on my CREAM carpet. "Shit, that is never going to come out," I say to myself. Low and behold Hoovy came through for me on his first day on the job. Not a trace of yellow to be found.
Since then I have cleaned up many messes with it.
Last week, my husband walked across our carpet, again very CREAM colored, with grease on his boots. Murder was considered, but instead I put dish soap on it and sicked Hoovy on it. Success. It got it all out! A miracle to say the least.
However, I am beginning to resent my relationship with Hoovy since we got our new "puppy." I've been spending a good portion of my day cleaning up unidentifiable stains. I feel like carpet cleaning is my part-time job. In the last 3 days I have cleaned up: juice, tomato sauce, dog barf, dog pee, baby poop, and chocolate pudding (my husband again).
Maybe Hoovy and I should start charging for our services!

*This is an entry I wrote as a journal for another website about a year and a half ago. I decided to bring it here, because it's a good one. ;) Wouldn't want my readers to miss out!

I've lost my mojo

A while ago I wrote about how much easier parenting two kids was than I expected. I would like to retract my previous statement and replace it with this. "AHHHHHHHH! HELP ME!" You see, while many of the things I expected to be hard about two kids are not as bad as expected. The thing is my daughter is growing up, and needs more attention. I have a really hard time getting things done, besides holding her.

I'm failing miserably at keeping my house clean! I basically do damage control all the time, and if company is coming I try to get it as clean as possible. It's just not up to my standards, and it's driving me nuts! The dust! You should see the dust piling up! This is not a priority. My priorities are as follows:
1) dishes/kitchen clean
2) clothes
3) garbage picked up
4) main living areas tidy
5)main living areas vacuumed
6)bathrooms
7) everything else is a bonus

When you type it out it doesn't sound like a lot to do, but then do all those things mixed in with feeding a toddler every 30 min, and a baby every 2 hours (or less right now). Plus, changing 2 sets of diapers! (My kids are being poop machines the last couple of days. It's ridiculous that their little bodies contain that much poo!) And then holding the baby while you do things or wearing her in the sling, which is okay, but not as good as her working on her motor skills alone.

Also, my son recently decided that he doesn't like to go play outside by himself anymore. Darn I knew nothing good could come of me making an effort to play with him more! Those parenting specialists don't know what they are talking about! He used to go out there and play for 30min to an hour with his dump truck and tractors, but now he wants me to go out there with him. I know it's cute, but it's messing with my "to do list."

My mom was telling me that I need to enjoy this time, and those moments where I'm just holding them or playing. I do! But...I also became slightly OCD about having a clean house when I got married. I'm afraid my MIL is going to surprise me with a visit someday (she has never done this, but still) and my house is going to be so messy she keels over. She's the cleanest person I know! How do you live up to that when you have two small children?

YOU CAN'T! If you are able to then you are either 1) on some kind of drug that keeps you up all night 2) from another planet or 3) a freakishly organized person and I think you're also an alien.

Anyway, all this adds up to the fact that I'm tired. T-I-R-E-D! And it's messing with my blogging mojo. I have a hard time getting on the computer at all, and it's impossible to blog from my iPhone! When I do get up here my mind is numb, and I feel like I have nothing funny to say. So hopefully the sporadic posts are keeping you somewhat entertained. It's the best I've got for now!

So Little Time

You'd be surprised what you can get done in an hour. Since, I became a mother, let alone a mother of two, I can literally clean almost my whole house in 1 hour. Now it won't be "eat off the floor clean" or "the MIL is coming over clean," but it is definitely not shameful! Before I had kids this might take me all day. Now I have learned to clean in a whirlwind of furry. A bag for garbage tied to my waistband, a rag for wiping slung over my shoulder, and madly throwing toys into bins!
This morning I woke up around 9:30 (thank you very much you saintly little children for letting your mother recharge her batteries) and soon after my friend called. I haven't seen her for a very long time, and she just moved back to town. So she asked if she could stop by this morning, and of course I'm not going to turn that down no matter how dirty my house is.
So I had 1 hour to do the shower ritual, clean the house, and get breakfast. I managed to get all that done, and now I'm just waiting for her to get here. This is no small task considering our house is 2300 sq. ft. *takes a bow* THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU'RE TOO KIND! (sorry that was just me imagining the praise you're giving me. Just kidding!) Now that she's taking a little longer, I might try to go do something over the top like vacuum!

Things I Wasn't Prepared for in Motherhood

I got to thinking the other day, as one of these things happened, that no one told me about these things. Or maybe they did and I said "ya right that will never happen to me...my kids will be better than that." Wasn't that naive of me?! I mean you go into parenting knowing that things will change about your everyday life. That you'll have less time to yourself. That you have to change diapers now. That you will have to give up things for your child's sake. Those things you are prepared for, but there are other little things you didn't know would happen. Those moments come and you just sit there, bewildered, and blinking, and think to yourself. "No that didn't just happen to me? My free lifestyle got traded for this?!"

Here we go:
1) Immediately after you give birth, you suddenly don't care how many people walk into that delivery room. You're so tired, and relieved that you literally don't care if people see your Hoo Haw. I was stunned by this when I later gained back some modesty!

2) The first time you stand up after giving birth everything will look like a horror show happened there. I'm breaking a code of ethics among mother's here, because this is something that no one talks to you about until after you have a baby. Otherwise, it might scare people who haven't had kids. Most people that read this have kids, so if you don't...it's really not that bad. *wink* *wink*

3) When you give birth, a good portion of your brain falls out with the baby. I had heard of "mommy brain," but again I thought it wouldn't happen to me. I've had an audio graphic memory nearly all my life, but once I had kids I forget things so easily. I should buy stock in sticky notes! I have to write EVERYTHING down. Even ideas for my blog. (My iPhone has a notepad that is great for this, by the way!) If you ask me my birthdate I may or may not remember it on a given day, but I can sure as heck tell you how many times my kid pooped that day so far! Speaking of poop...

4) I didn't think that poop would become a major aspect of my life. NEVER, EVER, did I think that I would worry about how many times my kids have pooped that week. Never did I think that I would have my child spray me with poop mid-diaper change...more than once. Never did I think that I would be cleaning poop off the carpet after my son decides he would rather use the floor than his diaper or the potty. Certainly, I never expected to do a dance and make up a song for my son that says "you went poop on the POTTY...WHOO...You're a big boy now...WHOO!" Never. I'm way too cool for that! Don't even ask me how many times I've had my son pee on me either...can't count them all!

5) I didn't realize my clothes would become a Kleenex for my kids. Pretty much self-explanatory. Your kids will wipe anything on their face onto your shirt. Which leads me to...

6) I didn't expect to find stained shirts acceptable for everyday wear. When my son reached a certain age he would either wipe snot, food, or spit on my shirt every time I picked him up. So it got to the point where I would just pick a shirt out of my closet and if it had a stain I would say "like it matters...I'm just going to get more on it later!" Sometimes I go in public like this without even noticing, but when someone tells me I'm not even embarrassed.

7) Getting things sneezed into my face. Let's see I've had spit (normal sneeze), pureed squash, cottage cheese, sticky red medicines, sticky clear medicines, and various other substances sneezed into my face since I became a mother. Every time it happens I think of those variety shows where they get a pie smashed in their face and have to wipe their eyes clear to see. Plus, you always get that same look of utter disbelief, and resignation when it happens.

8) Barf. I can't even tell you how many times I've been barfed on since I became a mom. It happens a LOT when my kid is sick, because he doesn't feel good and comes running to me just as the chunks are rising...voila! Mom is barfed on. The worst part about it is that it doesn't bother me as much as I thought. I have always had a weak stomach, and was a huge sympathy puker. I mean I threw up when I had to clean up dog barf only about a year before my son was born. Since I became a mom I can clean up any barfy mess you give me! And I could tell you some stories about barfs around here!

9) Baby erections. It makes me uncomfortable every time! I'm trying to be a mature mom and ignore it, but I just want to say "cover up boy...that's not Kosher!" Or laugh and point. One of the two! I know...so mature.

10) Being followed like the pied piper. But in my house it's not rats. It's dogs, kids, and even my husband. I can't shower by myself. I can't go to the bathroom by myself. Every time I turn around I'm tripping on someone or something. It really makes things take a lot longer than they should. Some days I get so fed up with it I have actually yelled "will everyone please go do something else and leave me alone! I just want to load the dishwasher without you all in the way! GAHHH!!"

Those are all I can think of now, but feel free to add some of your own in the comments!

I'm so tir...Zzzz

Today was kind of craptastic. I've had worst days as a mother, but if there is a grey area between great days and the worst days of your life...this is in the grey area closer to the worst side.

First of all, my daughter is having some issue. She's got a little temperature, and a runny nose and will NOT sleep. It's either teething or another cold. I'm hoping it's teething, because this cold business is just about to send me over the edge. Really?! Another cold?! Really? Give me a break! So if baby isn't sleeping then of course neither is mommy. I think I got maybe 2 hours of sleep total last night. Every time I'd get her quieted down, and I was just about to drift off into a deep sleep she would start wailing again. So basically I had an entire night of cat naps. Not good enough!

I was so tired when I got up this morning that anytime I closed my eyes I would nod off. I could be standing up, talking, reading, texting, Facebooking, eating...you name it...I fell asleep doing it today. Bad news, bears! It's pretty bad when you consider eating coffee grounds for the caffeine instead of just making coffee. I don't like plain coffee though, it's got to be coffee masquerading as cocoa for me to drink it. But I digress.

So anyway, even though I was tired, and Lillie was crying off and on all day, I had to go to the store today. We were out of milk and ice cream, which is an emergency in this house. (Plus, I have this handy new gadget on my iPhone that is a grocery list, and I had about 12 things on there. Sounds like a reasonable number of items to go to the store and get if you ask me.) So I pack my kids up and head in to Wal Mart. On Memorial Day.

So everyone was in vacation mode except me. To me it was just a normal day since my husband was working and I stay at home. Before I left home I tried to feed Lillie, and of course she wasn't hungry then. She was hungry about 3 minutes into shopping though, and proceeded to scream the entire shopping trip. The worst part about this is that EVERY person that walked by would look at her with this pity face and say "aww poor baby." Which is sweet of them, except it made me feel like the worst mom in the world. Like every person who said that was saying, "I'm sorry your mom is a horrible person and makes you go to Wal Mart when you don't feel good and are hungry you poor sweet little baby girl." Just what I need more guilt as a parent! Besides that, have you ever tried to shop while your kid is screaming? It makes you just want to throw random stuff in your cart and run for the register to get out of there! It's maddening to listen to and I can't concentrate on what I might need to make a meal. So now I'm going to have to go back another time and get more groceries to complete the shopping trip. This time I ONLY got things on my list. So finally we pay and get out of there and head for the car. We get there and guess what...there is a parking lot fender bender blocking my escape. BLAST IT ALL...FOILED AGAIN! (Just ignore my cheesy lines...it's the lack of sleep talking.) So I fed the baby in the car and by that time the police had come and made them move out of the way.

After I got home and unpacked the groceries and made lunch. My husband came home early, so that was one good thing that happened today. Then the baby went to sleep and Byron was watching his cartoons, so I decided to take a little nap. Except my son suddenly decided that he wanted to yell about things, or needed me for something. So again I only got in a couple little cat naps. Those are maddening...your body gets so ticked off at you for fooling it into thinking it might get to rest! So then I was cranky for the rest of the day. I feel bad for my family having to put up with me being snippy.

I hope I get to sleep more tonight! *crossing fingers*

Getting Freshened Up

When did showering become my most conflicting time of the day. First of all, it is about the only 10 minutes I get totally to myself. Unless a) my son comes in and talks to me while I shower b) my husband comes in and talks to me while I shower or c) the baby screams while I shower. All of which detract from my 10 minutes of serenity. I don't understand why people feel the need to talk to you while you shower. In my opinion that is quiet time, but to each their own. Anyway, those are the most relaxing 10 minutes of my day barring any of the above three scenarios, which frankly happen more often than not.
The 10-20 minutes that follow the shower, however, are some of my least favorite of the day. I hate having to put clothes on, do my lotions and potions routine, and especially style my hair. It's just not one of those things that is fun for me. Back in the day, in college, when I had nothing better to do than spend an hour doing my hair while I pre-funked to go to the club with my girls, it was kind of fun. (Let's face it everything is more fun with a Smirnoff Ice and a song to shake your booty too!) But now I'm lucky if I can put on my lotion and deodorant back-to-back without someone screaming/crying for me. That's the part I hate now. I put on my lotion and then Byron will come in and say he needs another episode of Max & Ruby turned on. Then I put on my deodorant, and just as I'm reaching for my tooth brush the baby starts screaming. Then I brush my teeth, and just as I'm plugging in the hair dryer I will hear any number of noises that put the fear in a mother. Usually a crash noise, or a loud shrieking cry or a knock at the door (I'm still naked at this point.) (Nothing worse than answering the door in your robe, because it basically announces that you were naked when the doorbell rang.)
So anyway, by the time I get all of that done and get dressed and put on make-up it seems like half the day is gone. Sometimes I have to stop to breastfeed the baby just so I can make it through my "get ready for the day routine." Maybe I should take up the habit of drinking a Smirnoff Ice while I get ready everyday. No...nevermind...people would probably frown on that.

Silence

I don't know what it is about having kids that makes you appreciate silence, and small moments to yourself. A haircut is luxurious and relaxing. Doing housework with no toddler following behind you destroying what you've just cleaned is "fun."
I've been feeling really tired and over needed lately. My kids are being high maintenance. My dogs are being high maintenance, and my husband is MORE than high maintenance you'd think he was the King of England. I don't know how to explain to them all that I need some space, and the more they touch me the more I can't stand to be touched. But luckily, today my husband got home from work around Noon and he took our son with him for a couple hours while he does some running around for work. So I'm sitting here writing my blog, and Facebooking in COMPLETE silence while the baby sleeps. She's been so grumpy the last couple of days. I swear she is just exhausted too. Byron is always waking her up from her naps. He does it to be loving, but the poor thing never gets more than a 10 min catnap most days.
She started drooling a lot too so I'm wondering if she is teething early. Just what I need...a cranky baby with a mouthful of teeth early. Every breastfeeding Mother's dream!

Quick One

Before I leave I have to tell this little story. Last night I went to a movie with some friends, and when I got in my car it smelled really bad. So I threw all the trash away and figured it would dissipate by the time I got done. But it didn't. So I started thinking about what it could be, and I had a little "aha!" moment.

The car seat...

Anyone who has a toddler knows that there is lots of tiny pieces of goldfish, graham crackers, fruit snacks, etc. that fall down in the cracks of those seats. Well, my son had just spilled a bunch of water in his seat, and it made contact with those crumbs and created some sort of molding situation. So I drug the car seat out of the car and ripped the cover off...(okay not ripped...it is a complex process of taking the whole car seat apart) and threw it in the wash.

It took me a while to get the car seat put back together once everything was dry. I put the little buckles upside down, and another one backwards. I had to take it apart 3 times. Anyway, now the headrest is stuck! It's in this cock-eyed position and I cannot get it straight. I'm sitting there wrestling with the damn car seat and making no progress. I have one leg up on it, then I tried a knee, then I tried getting it in a scissor lock, and STILL I cannot get the thing straight. I need help! Who makes these things? They need a Geek Squad for car seat troubleshooting.

Hey now there is an idea! *COPYRIGHT PATENT!* You cannot steal my idea to start a car seat geek squad.

Okay now back to packing!

The calm

What is it in your face sometimes that tells your children you are about to snap at any moment? Today my son made me to mad that I couldn't even yell. I was just eerily calm. I came downstairs to this huge mess, and something in side me snapped, but instead of yelling. I went and got my camera and took a picture of it (although the picture doesn't do it justice...every game was dumped out a mixed with the others.) Then I asked my son to come stand in front of me as I kneeled, and look me in the eyes. I explained to him that Mommy was very angry, and he knows he's not supposed to get into those games. Then I told him to go to his room, and get this...he went! He never goes to his room of his own free will! BOY I must have had a crazy look in my eyes. I mean looking back on the whole situation; it's not that bad. I don't know why I was so pissed, but he never gets into those things! He knows better, and he didn't just get into them...he couldn't have made any bigger of a mess. It took me a half hour to sort all that apart. Plus, the baby was screaming to nurse during the whole ordeal which raises my blood pressure to astronomical levels anyway.
The crazy part is that all that aside, I looked at both my babies tonight and felt so much love for them that I wanted to burst into tears of joy. Ahhh motherhood...it's like schizophrenia, but no one gives you medication for it.

Being a SAHM isn't enough?

Here I am! I'm 27 years old and married with two kids. I stay at home and like to refer to myself as a "domestic engineer." My life is very different than I pictured it would be. You know those surveys your friends forward you that ask you want your life will be like in 10 years. I laugh when I think about what I put on those puppies even 5 years ago.
I thought I wanted to wear power suits, and carry a leather briefcase. My college years were spent aspiring to a glamorous job in Public Relations. My professors said I had talent for it, so I ventured out in the world ready to take it by the tail. HA! Then reality set in, and I had rent to pay. I ended up working for a logistics company. Of course, that job wasn't what I really wanted to do. So I got a new one as a technical recruiter AKA a telemarketer who tries to find computer nerds a job. FAILED! Luckily, by that time I had already met Ryan (my husband) and he moved in with me while I tried to find a job. Long story made short...I never did and we got married and here I am.
So the funny part about all this is I ended up being at home which most people of my generation know isn't ever enough. You see people from the past and they say "what are you doing these days?"
"Oh, I'm JUST staying at home," we reply.
It's never enough. You should be doing more. You should be working and taking care of your kids! There is a stigma against those of us that JUST stay at home.
Well, I spend my days feeding, changing, cleaning, entertaining, educating, and being generally at the beck and call of a 2 year old and a 2 month old. It's enough! I'm freakin' exhausted at the end of the day! How do those working moms do it?
Some moms feel like they need to get out and away from their children or they will go crazy. (Believe me there are times when I understand that need!) In general though I find myself anxious and unfocused when I'm away from my children for too long. I just don't think I would be cut out for the working mom thing. I also feel like what I'm doing is a very important thing by staying home.

So maybe I don't have a job as a PR Executive and a power suit that fits anymore, but I am the boss around here.