The F word

My son got in trouble at Jazzercise daycare for saying "F***er." I'm so embarrassed. He got that one from me. I've got a bit of a potty mouth. Ok a pretty good one. I'm able to control it in polite company, but when I'm relaxed I really let it go. I was a dispatcher for a trucking company for a while, and that is when I really started cussing a lot. Now that I'm married to a truck driver, well, it's not really helping the situation.

So the daycare lady told me he said that and I did a major face palm. At home when he says those words I say "don't say that it's a grown up word." Obviously that's not cutting it. Besides the fact that I have a really hard time not laughing or at least cracking a smile when he blurts out "oh shit" with perfect timing isn't helping anything. My kids love an audience.

The problem is I don't know if this is irreversible or not. I told Byron that I will try not to say those words if he tries not to say them too. We'll do it together. But it isn't going to be easy! I *heart* the F word. I just do. As a kid I heard both my parents cuss, and my mom has a few stories about how I embarrassed her with my inopportune use of the words. So I guess paybacks really are a bitch. (See I just cussed. DOH!) Then as I grew up I didn't use those words until I was pretty much grown, and if I did it was never in front of adults. So somewhere along the lines I learned how to keep my mouth shut at the right times.

So there's another challenge for myself this year. Stop cussing. Okay, only when I get hurt. How hard is it going to be to not say "OUCH! F**K!" when I stub my toe? That's just a natural reaction. You have to say it then. Or what about when you are carrying a load of groceries into the house and the bag breaks and a jar of spaghetti sauce shatters all over the damn (DOH) place ? You have to say "SHIT!" It's just how it's done. Right? What do people who don't cuss say in those situations? Don't tell me they say "shoot" or "fudge," because those are basically the same thing, or so I've been told. Maybe I'll start saying what Thomas says "CINDERS AND ASHES!" Or how about "CHEESE AND CRACKERS!" Is it acceptable to just say the letter of the word? Like "F that! That's BS!"

So many rules...

Hey I just thought of a good original one "SALT & VINEGAR CHIPS!" "TOILET SCRUBBER!" (That's a really dirty one.) Got any ideas for more?

Things I Don't Understand

1) Women who get all done up for work outs. I've got one or two of these offenders at Jazzercise, but there is one that is really over the top. It looks like she spends an hour getting ready to go sweat. Her hair is short and all styled up with LOTS of hairspray. She wears hoop earrings, and color coordinated eye shadow. Why? That is a whole lot of work for it to run down your face, go home and shower, and have to do it all over again. I understand a little mascara or light colored shadow on a puffy eye day, because those are quick fixes to pillow face. Give yourself a break, and go to the gym with the bear minimum on. You deserve it. If you're married you shouldn't be trying to impress anyone, and if you're single the guys at the gym are probably gay or players.

2) People Offended by Fat People. There are some people who are just offended by the weirdest things. Why would a fat person offend you? Is it because you think it is unacceptable to be fat or you're afraid you might be fat someday, so you are like "ugh, I will NEVER be fat." Never say never, then it will REALLY happen to you! It's like a jinx. If you don't send this blog link to 7 people you will gain 50lbs this year. Or maybe you're secretly jealous that they can eat a whole cheesecake and no one will blink.

But seriously, if a person is overweight they are usually upset enough inside, and don't need your comments. Just move along...

3) Tattoos. I don't get them. People get some really strange things tattooed on their body. Like a naked chick with her legs spread open that covers your whole back. What is that about? It makes me think you either a) never get any of that stuff betwixt her legs, so you're over compensating or b) you were drunk off your ass and your friends thought it would be hilarious. I realize that a majority of people who do tattoos are artists, and can create some amazing things on your tender canvas. But as a needle phobe...and a hepatitis phobe...I have to decline the invitation. Besides I have never thought of something I would tattoo on my body forever. But to each their own!

4) People who were cool in high school and never got over themselves. I'm planning my 10 year reunion and while there are so many people that have changed a lot, in a good way, there are some that haven't. No one cares if you were the sports star, or had the prettiest hair in school. You're just another person. Sorry to break it to you. A handful of people from our class are above average in the job category...and if you have time to read my blog it's probably not you. :) Not that I don't appreciate the readership. In fact if you're reading this I really really like you. It's not you I'm talking about. You're awesome.

Parking Challenged?

This is just a little rant. There is another Jazzerciser that is really getting on my nerves with her parking. For this we may need a diagram to illustrate the inconsiderate style in which this person parks. I know exactly who she is because I've seen her be one of the first people there, and park in the same inconsiderate manner every time. She's relatively new like I am, and I don't see how she couldn't notice the general parking order. Okay here is my diagram:

# # # # (She is the 8) (Okay this shit isn't working. The bottom 2 # should be over 2 spaces)

# #

8

Now notice how her parking takes up 2 MARKED spaces, and it also blocks the lane behind and messes up the parking situation there. I don't want to be the one to say something to her, and be "that bitch." It should be obvious that her parking sense is a little "off." But no, she's noticed other people pull in after her, and yet she doesn't try to correct it or correct it the next day! RUDE! It makes me think that I won't like her as a person either. Is that weird? I find myself thinking "if she's that inconsiderate about parking imagine how she would be about everything else?" I find myself glaring at her car as I pull in, and I don't know why this bothers me so much. Maybe I've just found a new pet peeve?

Jazzercise

I know many people have their preset judgements about Jazzercise. That there is nothing but spandex, leg warmers, and high cut bodysuits as far as the eye can see. While there is spandex on some people it is not the really tight hot pink you might imagine. Jazzercise actually has their own line of workout clothing, and a good portion of the long-term members own at least one pair of pants that say JAZZERCISE across the butt. I joke I joke...It's in small letters on the hip of the pant or front of the shirts...very tasteful.

Most people probably imagine that there is nothing but a sea of stick thin women in spandex "feeling the burn." But really there are several types of people that go to Jazzercise. One of them is the thin person wearing spandex that you wonder if they got thin by doing Jazzercise or if they have always been that way. There are the old ladies who you think might die of a heart attack when you see them walk in, but manage to out Jazz you in their spandex. Finally, there are the people like me, who aren't comfortable in spandex yet...I'm sure I'll get there...so we wear sweats and a t-shirt and wish we could fit in the spandex spaghetti strap tank tops that adorn the thinner members. Most of us sweat pants wearing ladies, are also the ones that drop the kids off at daycare when we come in, so at least we have a small excuse.

I'm the only one at Jazzercise that doesn't wear shoes. I can't. My feet fall asleep every time I wear them, and I've tried 3 different pair. So I just go in my socks. I don't know why more people don't do it in their socks.

When I first started going I felt like I had 2 left feet, but day by day I get the moves down, and an even better workout. I'm really loving Jazzercise actually. My background in dance, and my love of music is being renewed there. Don't let the spandex fool you. It is a GREAT workout in 60 minutes. I feel like a million bucks when I'm done, and the women there are so wonderful and fun.

Did you know Cheryl Burke from Dancing With The Stars is their new spokes model? Check it out! www.jazzercise.com

Mom Olympics

Today I took a trip to the store during a small snow storm we're having here. When I went in it was freezing rain, and when I came out it was snowing again. I had my snow boots on, so I was set there, but I was having a little trouble pushing the cart. My cart was filled with groceries, and two kids. I was pushing it slightly uphill through the snow/slush/crusty ice. I mean I was almost horizontal pushing that damn thing! By the time I reached the car I was out of breath, my already sore thighs (from working out you perverts) were shaking, and I had a dewy glow on my brow. It was crazy, and I thought to myself "this should be an Olympic sport." Then I thought to myself "there are lots of things moms do that could be made into a sport." It's true! I mean sometimes being a mother requires every ounce of strength, agility, speed, and creativity we've got. How many times have you sat there for a minute and thought about how you would execute something with your kids in the mix? Personally, I can't even count. Just go back to those posts about flying with 2 kids and you've got about 2 dozen right there.

So here are some of the other events I'd put in the mom Olympics:

1) Getting out of the house with yourself and your children fully dressed in less than 10 minutes. Honestly, it is pure insanity itself to even put that time restraint on yourself, but sometimes we've got an emergency or rare situation when you have only minutes to leave the house. Inevitably my toddler is running around laughing at me as I try to catch him to put his clothes on, and the baby pulls her socks and shoes off 5 times before we leave. I've managed to get out of the house in minutes, but it isn't pretty and I need a stiff drink afterwards.

2) Trying to get all your errands done before the baby gets tired or hungry. There is a short window and these things require planning. The minute they're up from their nap you have to shove food in their mouth and throw them in the car, so that you can get all your errands done before the meltdown happens. Very hard to avoid. You've probably seen me in Wal Mart with the screaming baby and a toddler that is about to wiggle himself out of the cart headfirst.

3) Changing diapers on a newly mobile baby or young toddler. I've had to resort to putting my foot on the baby to keep them from wiggling away before I can either a) get the poop off before the baby wiggles it all over both of us and the carpet or b) get the Velcro tabs cinched down on the new one. It's like trying to diaper a de-clawed cat!

4) Feeding the kids and yourself at the same time when you have only 5 minutes. In between shoving bites in your own mouth you have to shove them in the baby's mouth, and yell at the toddler to "please eat! for the love of god, we have to leave in 3 minutes!"

5) Install a car seat on an airplane while you have a baby strapped to your chest.

6) Pregnancy triathalon - you have to shave your legs, paint your toe nails and tie your shoes. First one done wins.

I almost hate to say it...

but....we're potty training. I mean he's actually doing it. He's getting the hang of it. He's excited. It's going much easier than I ever anticipated. It's all due to a visit to a friend's house who is potty training, and the use of suckers as a reward. I would have never guessed that would be the ticket to success, but hey...I'll take it!

That is not to say it's not still disgusting. I stand by my observations that it is still yucky. On a few occasions poop has ended up all over the bathroom, and once on his sister. Don't ask me how....daddy was babysitting. I wish I could have been there to see that go down.

He has to be naked or it doesn't work as good. If I put sweat pants or underpants on him he forgets he is potty training. Is this normal?

I mean I'm still gonna take it. I don't care if he has to be naked for a year. It's better than being the only one who hasn't potty trained their kid yet. I felt like a pariah. Now I feel like I'm the one that's getting my big girl panties. LOL

I'm a bad fur mommy...

If any of you follow my tweets (@ihatepinkmom or look in the lower right corner of my blog) you will be aware that the other day I found a suspicious looking "chocolate sprinkle" aka mouse turd in my bathroom. Anyone who's had a mouse knows that you must nip the problem in the bud IMMEDIATELY or you will never get rid of the damn things. So I promptly put out some mouse bait that we had on hand, from last year's garage mouse. I put it behind the garbage can in my bathroom, and then made sure to keep the door closed during the day. I didn't want my kids or dogs getting into it. At night I left the door open, so the mouse could feast on his last supper while the dogs were crated and the kids in bed. All went according to plan, and I found small nibble marks last night on the poison. I was feeling very triumphant!

This morning I went to take my shower while the dogs were still crated, so the door was open. My son let the dogs out of the cage when he came down while I was in the shower. I get out of the shower, dry off, and head for the bedroom to get dressed when I see the puppy eating something green. At first I thought it was a crayon. There were only tiny crumbs left scattered on the carpet. Suddenly, I had a flash of recognition, and I ran to the bathroom. NO POISON! "SHIT, OH $#@%! OH NO, OH CRAP WHAT DO I DO?" I grabbed my phone and called the vet. She told me I need to make her throw up, and to make her drink hydrogen peroxide until she does. Luckily I just bought a new bottle last week. Seriously, I had only like a 1/4" in the bottom of the old bottle a few days ago. If I hadn't this whole thing could have been worse. So I use a syringe and force the peroxide down her throat, while she tries to bite my hand off to keep that nasty stuff out of her mouth. (Puppy teeth are so sharp and I don't know how she didn't cut the skin.) She throws up the poison after about 5 syringes of it, and then I had to wait 15 min and start over. This time no poison left. Then I realize that one of the other dogs could have licked up some of the poison that I didn't vacuum up yet (thank goodness the baby was still asleep!)

I force peroxide down the male Boston (Edward) and he throws up. Nothing. Phew! Now the female. Let me just tell you that she is THE hardest dog to give anything to orally. It takes 3 vet techs to hold her down and give her a worming pill at the doctor and she only weighs 13 pounds. This was a serious battle. After the second syringe of her fighting me and pushing it out of her mouth, I just started tearing up. Thinking to myself. "OH MY GOD SHE MIGHT DIE, BECAUSE I CAN'T GET HER TO TAKE THIS." I finally mustered the strength to get a 3rd syringe full down her throat. And then I waited to see if it would work. (The peroxide foams when it contacts the hydrochloric acid in your stomach, which then fills up your stomach so much it causes vomiting.)

Finally after 5 minutes, she threw up. The first batch showed nothing, and I thought I just went through all that for nothing. The second batch....one tiny fleck of poison. I don't know if that would have been enough to kill her, but it certainly wouldn't have been good. Since the poison causes internal hemorrhage it would have been difficult to tell anything was wrong until it did a lot of damage.

Now the funny part. The whole time I was doing that I was naked. Never got to the point of getting dressed. So by the time the whole thing was over I had to take another shower. I was covered in a rash (just had my allergy shots yesterday, and am allergic to dogs), and hydrogen peroxide. I took a pic of my arm to show you, but it was literally everywhere.

This is 3 bags of barf & the paper towels it took to clean it up. Yay.

Then I had to rush out of the house, to get to Lillie's 9 month check up. I'm still having an anxiety attack 4 hrs later.

The dogs are fine. They are playing outside like nothing ever happened. Don't call the Animal Police.