Sh!t..I painted your gender roles

There just isn't enough time in a day for blogging anymore.  Mostly because I work, but also partially because I'm trying to sleep enough hours a day so that I can function.  I know it's selfish of me...  But today I was reading my fav blog The Bloggess, and it made me yearn to write something whitty...or is it witty.  (Probably the second one.  The first one made me think of that episode of Family Guy where Stewie accentuates the silent 'h' in words like whip.  Hilarious.) 
A wise person once said that good humor comes from pain.  I don't have a whole lot of funny stuff happening in my life these days, because I'm happier so things don't need to be made humorous for me to cope with them anymore. 

So mostly I'm just focusing on teaching my kids to cuss properly, which is working out GREAT.  Just last night my son properly used the word "shit" in a sentence when he said to his sister.  "Don't pour out all those toys, cuz I don't wanna have to clean that shit up."  Such a proud day.  Mother of the year award nominee here.

Oh, and another proud moment (actually I was really proud of this) I had this week was when his dad's girlfriend was painting his sisters nails, and he wanted his toes painted.  She told him "no boys don't paint their toes. Only girls."  (This isn't the first time that's happened so I taught him to say "stop trying to define my gender roles.")   So Monday night he comes in and says "mommy can you paint my toes for me. Manda wouldn't do it."  I said "did you tell her to stop defining your gender roles?"  He said "yes, but she still wouldn't!"  So I grinned widely and painted them myself.  Muhahahaha...

Life is Messy

My dear readers:
I so apologize for my absence the last few months.  I have been so busy adjusting to life as a single mommy, and didn't have Internet for a couple of months.  I hope you can still find my posts...

Your blog writin' mom,

Anna

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I JUST got my Internet set up yesterday, and this morning I sat down at my computer to browse the inter webs thinking "I get to blog again...YAY!"  Then I realized I didn't know what to blog about.  Perhaps I had lost my blogging mind over the chaos of the last few months?  Maybe I just needed to brainstorm for a while and think of something I could make funny?  As any of you know it's not easy to just find any old topic and make it hilarious. There has to be a catalyst to inspired humor.  You literally can't make this shit up, and have it be as funny as real life.  Luckily, my 3 year old has a wonderful way of creating situations to write about.  At the time they're not so funny, but later...yes.

Tonight after dinner I was watching the latest episode of True Blood, while my kids played in their playroom.   My son likes to color, so it's not unusual for him to get into my "pen drawer."  He's usually very good about not getting into anything else.  This time apparently he couldn't help himself but dig through the contents of the drawer and find something more entertaining.

I heard Lillie slip and fall, so I ran in to see if she was okay, and I found a scene that was horrifying for many reasons.  First of all, I rent my house, and the substance was on the floor.  Second of all, it was covering my computer monitor.  Thirdly, my kids were covered in it.  Most importantly, my daughter had a lot of it in her mouth.  Whiteout. Oh...my...bob...

I ran to the living room to get my phone and dial poison control while I'm trying to dig the stuff out of her mouth.  It goes in a liquid and immediately turns into a hardened coating from hell.  Just try to swipe that out of their mouth!  It's stuck in teeth, covering the roof of her mouth, and coating her tongue.  The stuff smells terrible, so I'm expecting dramatics and a rush to the emergency room, but secretly hoping that milk is the cure.

Another stroke of luck...whiteout is NOT poisonous. It's merely an irritant.  And Milk was indeed the cure.  But no one escaped unscathed...not even the dog!

Anyone know how to get whiteout off linoleum? This stuff is NOT coming off.  I had to scrape it off the monitor with my fingernail.  That was so fun.  It's not really working on the floor, so I need a new plan of attack. I've also tried magic erasers (don't worry I didn't use them on the kids like that idiot that burned her kids skin), and fingernail polish remover.  The magic eraser helped on the monitor, but not on the linoleum.  The fingernail polish remover did nothing.  Where's Martha Stewart when you need her?

Hide-and-Seek

My son is now to the age where you can start playing hide-and-seek really well with him.  He knows how to count and keep his eyes covered while you hide.  His hiding skills leave something to be desired.  He thinks he can hide behind the couch and as soon as I walk by he has to show himself.

A few nights ago I was having a hard time coaxing him upstairs to go to bed, and so I yelled down.  "I'm hiding you have to come find me!"  I quickly looked around, and decided the closet was a good place to hide.  I left the doors only 2/3 of the way shut so he could see me if he really got close.  Well, he comes upstairs, giggling, and saying "Momma where are youuuuu?" He just looks around the room real quick and leaves.  I'm sitting there trying to stifle my giggles thinking it would give me away, and yet none of the sounds seemed to tip him off.  He ran back downstairs, (because in toddler logic I could have easily gone back downstairs apparently.)  So I ran to the closet at the top of the stairs and just hid with the door mostly open.  He comes back upstairs crawling and doing his best T-rex impression and I just couldn't hold the laughs in. I'm standing in the closet laughing my butt off no more than 2 feet away from him and he looked all around him BUT the closet.  It was so cute!  It reminded me how innocent he is even though he seems to be growing up so quickly.

So if you want to feel like a pro at hide-and-seek....play with a toddler. ;)

Public Display of Discipline

After work today I had to run to Wal Mart after work to get some essentials. For us that would be bananas, cheese and milk.  Also Byron needed some more plastic pants, because he's just finally getting potty trained away from home.  (As long as he's naked he's potty trained, but that doesn't work so well outside of the home.) Anyway, Byron was in a very good mood, and he asked to walk next to the cart instead of riding like usual.  Since he was being good I obliged.  As we walked through the front doors he saw the coin operated games and rides to the left and made a bee-line.  Of course I told him no, and that we had to hurry and get our groceries.  Well, as you can imagine, a melt-down of epic proportions ensued. He was inconsolable.  So I decided to find a spot for a time out.  Right in front the pharmacy is some benches, and I plopped him down, stepped a few feet away and turned to the side.  The kid is just screaming bloody murder and freaking out.  Every person that walks by or is standing near me is staring.  Then this lady walks up to him and says "are you lost?"  I was like "he's just in a time out.  He's fine."  She goes "well public isn't the best place for a time out. You might want to think about that next time."

Okay people what the heck?!  If you don't punish your kids in public you're a bad parent? If you do you're a bad parent?  Make up your minds.  I almost asked her if I should just spank him right there in the store and have CPS swoop in on me like a plague of locusts.  They have so many cameras in Wal Mart they could get it from every angle and plaster it all over the news.  I can see the headline now,"WORLD'S WORST MOM SPANKS SON IN WAL MART!"  Although the bad publicity worked out for the Octomom and Kate Gosslin, so maybe I could ride that to fame and fortune.

Dream Come True

I'm going to go ahead and be honest here and let everyone know that when I was married (technically I still am, but I consider myself mentally divorced already) I often "fantasized" about life as a single person again.  Not in a sexual way, so that I could go out and sleep with every guy that I could get my hands on, but in a simplified life kind of way.
For example I have a fairly good sized house, and I would often picture myself in a little house that was nice and cozy, but arranged just how I like things.  That should be coming true in the near future; provided we can sell this one.  I like my house, don't get me wrong, but like I said the word simple comes to mind.

I also imagined that if I didn't have a husband anymore then my house would stay clean more easily.  Now with two kids I'm sure you're all laughing at me right now, but ladies...it's TRUE.  I have less laundry, less dishes, and the bathroom stays clean much longer.   I don't have socks to pick up off the floor or toothpaste splatters to clean off the wall.  The pillows on the couch stay arranged how I like, and the dish washer gets loaded in an orderly fashion. Now how is it possible that a grown man can make such a mess?  I don't know.  It boggles the mind!  He grew up in a very clean house, and yet I still had to clean pee dribbles off the front of the toilet.  Ewww!

You also may not realize this, but men take up a LOT of free time.  Now that I'm not spending time on nurturing a relationship or sex there are more hours in the day for chick flicks (which I wasn't able to watch) and chocolate.  I can go to Jazzercise any time I want.  I can make whatever food I want for dinner, and there is no one to complain.  Not to mention there is actually leftovers to reheat the next day, so I only have to cook a few times a week instead of daily.  BONUS!

Now if you're happily married, and I do stress the word HAPPILY, please don't think I'm trying to encourage you to leave your husband just so you have more time to read your Twlight books. (Let's be honest...Edward and Jacob never disappoint you emotionally!) But, if you find yourself plodding through your marriage or day dreaming about a little loft apartment filled with Chick Lit and cheesecake...maybe you should let it go.  It's was scary in the beginning, but now I just want it over with so I can move along. :)

The Beginning of the End

Obviously I haven't written a blog in nearly 2 months now, and I do apologize for that.  First I went through a little struggle with writer's block, and then about 3 weeks ago my husband and I separated.  Needless to say my humor level has been a little low.  So today's blog probably won't make you laugh, but I feel the need to write.

About three weeks ago my life was turned upside down by finding out my husband was talking to yet another woman behind my back.  This has happened so many times during our 5 year relationship that it's almost comical now to look back on it.  Why did I let that happen to myself?  Why did I let him disrespect me over and over again?  Now the struggle of trying to posture myself as the perfect little wife is over, and I feel so free.  Free to do the things I want to now without worry that he will disapprove or tease me.  Free to find someone that loves me for the amazingly strong person I am.  I forgot how strong I was, but just to put up with things over the last 5 years took strength.

Now, of course he's already moved on.  Starting a new relationship when the papers aren't filed yet.  I find myself torn about this.  On one hand I feel better without him around.  On the other the crazy and jealous feelings brought up by infidelity over the relationship are still there.  It hurts a little still.  I kind of want to tell that chick that he's not who she thinks, but no one ever listens to the woman scorned.  Ladies, sometimes it's impossible for a man to date that many crazy people in his lifetime.  There starts to be a little truth to the things they say.  I think they should come out with a survey system for dating.  That way you could just look up a person's over all personality, cleanliness, and appearance!  It would save so much time.  I'm not talking about going all Don't Date Him Girl on every person you date.  That's not right.  But one woman's trash is another's treasure.

One woman may consider being wined and dined the type of romance she desires from her mate.  I on the other hand would love a spouse who does little things for me instead.  I would prefer someone to take the garbage out for me everyday or show up at my work to give me a hug over flowers any day.  I've already been married to the guy who will give you anything except love me the way I deserve.  Or simply to know I'm appreciated would be a big step.

At any rate, I will no longer be a Stay-at-home mom anymore.  I'm about to enter the crazy life of a working mother, so I'm hoping that some good material comes from this new direction.  Maybe my blog will be better than ever!  Wish me luck. ;)

The F word

My son got in trouble at Jazzercise daycare for saying "F***er." I'm so embarrassed. He got that one from me. I've got a bit of a potty mouth. Ok a pretty good one. I'm able to control it in polite company, but when I'm relaxed I really let it go. I was a dispatcher for a trucking company for a while, and that is when I really started cussing a lot. Now that I'm married to a truck driver, well, it's not really helping the situation.

So the daycare lady told me he said that and I did a major face palm. At home when he says those words I say "don't say that it's a grown up word." Obviously that's not cutting it. Besides the fact that I have a really hard time not laughing or at least cracking a smile when he blurts out "oh shit" with perfect timing isn't helping anything. My kids love an audience.

The problem is I don't know if this is irreversible or not. I told Byron that I will try not to say those words if he tries not to say them too. We'll do it together. But it isn't going to be easy! I *heart* the F word. I just do. As a kid I heard both my parents cuss, and my mom has a few stories about how I embarrassed her with my inopportune use of the words. So I guess paybacks really are a bitch. (See I just cussed. DOH!) Then as I grew up I didn't use those words until I was pretty much grown, and if I did it was never in front of adults. So somewhere along the lines I learned how to keep my mouth shut at the right times.

So there's another challenge for myself this year. Stop cussing. Okay, only when I get hurt. How hard is it going to be to not say "OUCH! F**K!" when I stub my toe? That's just a natural reaction. You have to say it then. Or what about when you are carrying a load of groceries into the house and the bag breaks and a jar of spaghetti sauce shatters all over the damn (DOH) place ? You have to say "SHIT!" It's just how it's done. Right? What do people who don't cuss say in those situations? Don't tell me they say "shoot" or "fudge," because those are basically the same thing, or so I've been told. Maybe I'll start saying what Thomas says "CINDERS AND ASHES!" Or how about "CHEESE AND CRACKERS!" Is it acceptable to just say the letter of the word? Like "F that! That's BS!"

So many rules...

Hey I just thought of a good original one "SALT & VINEGAR CHIPS!" "TOILET SCRUBBER!" (That's a really dirty one.) Got any ideas for more?

Things I Don't Understand

1) Women who get all done up for work outs. I've got one or two of these offenders at Jazzercise, but there is one that is really over the top. It looks like she spends an hour getting ready to go sweat. Her hair is short and all styled up with LOTS of hairspray. She wears hoop earrings, and color coordinated eye shadow. Why? That is a whole lot of work for it to run down your face, go home and shower, and have to do it all over again. I understand a little mascara or light colored shadow on a puffy eye day, because those are quick fixes to pillow face. Give yourself a break, and go to the gym with the bear minimum on. You deserve it. If you're married you shouldn't be trying to impress anyone, and if you're single the guys at the gym are probably gay or players.

2) People Offended by Fat People. There are some people who are just offended by the weirdest things. Why would a fat person offend you? Is it because you think it is unacceptable to be fat or you're afraid you might be fat someday, so you are like "ugh, I will NEVER be fat." Never say never, then it will REALLY happen to you! It's like a jinx. If you don't send this blog link to 7 people you will gain 50lbs this year. Or maybe you're secretly jealous that they can eat a whole cheesecake and no one will blink.

But seriously, if a person is overweight they are usually upset enough inside, and don't need your comments. Just move along...

3) Tattoos. I don't get them. People get some really strange things tattooed on their body. Like a naked chick with her legs spread open that covers your whole back. What is that about? It makes me think you either a) never get any of that stuff betwixt her legs, so you're over compensating or b) you were drunk off your ass and your friends thought it would be hilarious. I realize that a majority of people who do tattoos are artists, and can create some amazing things on your tender canvas. But as a needle phobe...and a hepatitis phobe...I have to decline the invitation. Besides I have never thought of something I would tattoo on my body forever. But to each their own!

4) People who were cool in high school and never got over themselves. I'm planning my 10 year reunion and while there are so many people that have changed a lot, in a good way, there are some that haven't. No one cares if you were the sports star, or had the prettiest hair in school. You're just another person. Sorry to break it to you. A handful of people from our class are above average in the job category...and if you have time to read my blog it's probably not you. :) Not that I don't appreciate the readership. In fact if you're reading this I really really like you. It's not you I'm talking about. You're awesome.

Parking Challenged?

This is just a little rant. There is another Jazzerciser that is really getting on my nerves with her parking. For this we may need a diagram to illustrate the inconsiderate style in which this person parks. I know exactly who she is because I've seen her be one of the first people there, and park in the same inconsiderate manner every time. She's relatively new like I am, and I don't see how she couldn't notice the general parking order. Okay here is my diagram:

# # # # (She is the 8) (Okay this shit isn't working. The bottom 2 # should be over 2 spaces)

# #

8

Now notice how her parking takes up 2 MARKED spaces, and it also blocks the lane behind and messes up the parking situation there. I don't want to be the one to say something to her, and be "that bitch." It should be obvious that her parking sense is a little "off." But no, she's noticed other people pull in after her, and yet she doesn't try to correct it or correct it the next day! RUDE! It makes me think that I won't like her as a person either. Is that weird? I find myself thinking "if she's that inconsiderate about parking imagine how she would be about everything else?" I find myself glaring at her car as I pull in, and I don't know why this bothers me so much. Maybe I've just found a new pet peeve?

Jazzercise

I know many people have their preset judgements about Jazzercise. That there is nothing but spandex, leg warmers, and high cut bodysuits as far as the eye can see. While there is spandex on some people it is not the really tight hot pink you might imagine. Jazzercise actually has their own line of workout clothing, and a good portion of the long-term members own at least one pair of pants that say JAZZERCISE across the butt. I joke I joke...It's in small letters on the hip of the pant or front of the shirts...very tasteful.

Most people probably imagine that there is nothing but a sea of stick thin women in spandex "feeling the burn." But really there are several types of people that go to Jazzercise. One of them is the thin person wearing spandex that you wonder if they got thin by doing Jazzercise or if they have always been that way. There are the old ladies who you think might die of a heart attack when you see them walk in, but manage to out Jazz you in their spandex. Finally, there are the people like me, who aren't comfortable in spandex yet...I'm sure I'll get there...so we wear sweats and a t-shirt and wish we could fit in the spandex spaghetti strap tank tops that adorn the thinner members. Most of us sweat pants wearing ladies, are also the ones that drop the kids off at daycare when we come in, so at least we have a small excuse.

I'm the only one at Jazzercise that doesn't wear shoes. I can't. My feet fall asleep every time I wear them, and I've tried 3 different pair. So I just go in my socks. I don't know why more people don't do it in their socks.

When I first started going I felt like I had 2 left feet, but day by day I get the moves down, and an even better workout. I'm really loving Jazzercise actually. My background in dance, and my love of music is being renewed there. Don't let the spandex fool you. It is a GREAT workout in 60 minutes. I feel like a million bucks when I'm done, and the women there are so wonderful and fun.

Did you know Cheryl Burke from Dancing With The Stars is their new spokes model? Check it out! www.jazzercise.com

Mom Olympics

Today I took a trip to the store during a small snow storm we're having here. When I went in it was freezing rain, and when I came out it was snowing again. I had my snow boots on, so I was set there, but I was having a little trouble pushing the cart. My cart was filled with groceries, and two kids. I was pushing it slightly uphill through the snow/slush/crusty ice. I mean I was almost horizontal pushing that damn thing! By the time I reached the car I was out of breath, my already sore thighs (from working out you perverts) were shaking, and I had a dewy glow on my brow. It was crazy, and I thought to myself "this should be an Olympic sport." Then I thought to myself "there are lots of things moms do that could be made into a sport." It's true! I mean sometimes being a mother requires every ounce of strength, agility, speed, and creativity we've got. How many times have you sat there for a minute and thought about how you would execute something with your kids in the mix? Personally, I can't even count. Just go back to those posts about flying with 2 kids and you've got about 2 dozen right there.

So here are some of the other events I'd put in the mom Olympics:

1) Getting out of the house with yourself and your children fully dressed in less than 10 minutes. Honestly, it is pure insanity itself to even put that time restraint on yourself, but sometimes we've got an emergency or rare situation when you have only minutes to leave the house. Inevitably my toddler is running around laughing at me as I try to catch him to put his clothes on, and the baby pulls her socks and shoes off 5 times before we leave. I've managed to get out of the house in minutes, but it isn't pretty and I need a stiff drink afterwards.

2) Trying to get all your errands done before the baby gets tired or hungry. There is a short window and these things require planning. The minute they're up from their nap you have to shove food in their mouth and throw them in the car, so that you can get all your errands done before the meltdown happens. Very hard to avoid. You've probably seen me in Wal Mart with the screaming baby and a toddler that is about to wiggle himself out of the cart headfirst.

3) Changing diapers on a newly mobile baby or young toddler. I've had to resort to putting my foot on the baby to keep them from wiggling away before I can either a) get the poop off before the baby wiggles it all over both of us and the carpet or b) get the Velcro tabs cinched down on the new one. It's like trying to diaper a de-clawed cat!

4) Feeding the kids and yourself at the same time when you have only 5 minutes. In between shoving bites in your own mouth you have to shove them in the baby's mouth, and yell at the toddler to "please eat! for the love of god, we have to leave in 3 minutes!"

5) Install a car seat on an airplane while you have a baby strapped to your chest.

6) Pregnancy triathalon - you have to shave your legs, paint your toe nails and tie your shoes. First one done wins.

I almost hate to say it...

but....we're potty training. I mean he's actually doing it. He's getting the hang of it. He's excited. It's going much easier than I ever anticipated. It's all due to a visit to a friend's house who is potty training, and the use of suckers as a reward. I would have never guessed that would be the ticket to success, but hey...I'll take it!

That is not to say it's not still disgusting. I stand by my observations that it is still yucky. On a few occasions poop has ended up all over the bathroom, and once on his sister. Don't ask me how....daddy was babysitting. I wish I could have been there to see that go down.

He has to be naked or it doesn't work as good. If I put sweat pants or underpants on him he forgets he is potty training. Is this normal?

I mean I'm still gonna take it. I don't care if he has to be naked for a year. It's better than being the only one who hasn't potty trained their kid yet. I felt like a pariah. Now I feel like I'm the one that's getting my big girl panties. LOL

I'm a bad fur mommy...

If any of you follow my tweets (@ihatepinkmom or look in the lower right corner of my blog) you will be aware that the other day I found a suspicious looking "chocolate sprinkle" aka mouse turd in my bathroom. Anyone who's had a mouse knows that you must nip the problem in the bud IMMEDIATELY or you will never get rid of the damn things. So I promptly put out some mouse bait that we had on hand, from last year's garage mouse. I put it behind the garbage can in my bathroom, and then made sure to keep the door closed during the day. I didn't want my kids or dogs getting into it. At night I left the door open, so the mouse could feast on his last supper while the dogs were crated and the kids in bed. All went according to plan, and I found small nibble marks last night on the poison. I was feeling very triumphant!

This morning I went to take my shower while the dogs were still crated, so the door was open. My son let the dogs out of the cage when he came down while I was in the shower. I get out of the shower, dry off, and head for the bedroom to get dressed when I see the puppy eating something green. At first I thought it was a crayon. There were only tiny crumbs left scattered on the carpet. Suddenly, I had a flash of recognition, and I ran to the bathroom. NO POISON! "SHIT, OH $#@%! OH NO, OH CRAP WHAT DO I DO?" I grabbed my phone and called the vet. She told me I need to make her throw up, and to make her drink hydrogen peroxide until she does. Luckily I just bought a new bottle last week. Seriously, I had only like a 1/4" in the bottom of the old bottle a few days ago. If I hadn't this whole thing could have been worse. So I use a syringe and force the peroxide down her throat, while she tries to bite my hand off to keep that nasty stuff out of her mouth. (Puppy teeth are so sharp and I don't know how she didn't cut the skin.) She throws up the poison after about 5 syringes of it, and then I had to wait 15 min and start over. This time no poison left. Then I realize that one of the other dogs could have licked up some of the poison that I didn't vacuum up yet (thank goodness the baby was still asleep!)

I force peroxide down the male Boston (Edward) and he throws up. Nothing. Phew! Now the female. Let me just tell you that she is THE hardest dog to give anything to orally. It takes 3 vet techs to hold her down and give her a worming pill at the doctor and she only weighs 13 pounds. This was a serious battle. After the second syringe of her fighting me and pushing it out of her mouth, I just started tearing up. Thinking to myself. "OH MY GOD SHE MIGHT DIE, BECAUSE I CAN'T GET HER TO TAKE THIS." I finally mustered the strength to get a 3rd syringe full down her throat. And then I waited to see if it would work. (The peroxide foams when it contacts the hydrochloric acid in your stomach, which then fills up your stomach so much it causes vomiting.)

Finally after 5 minutes, she threw up. The first batch showed nothing, and I thought I just went through all that for nothing. The second batch....one tiny fleck of poison. I don't know if that would have been enough to kill her, but it certainly wouldn't have been good. Since the poison causes internal hemorrhage it would have been difficult to tell anything was wrong until it did a lot of damage.

Now the funny part. The whole time I was doing that I was naked. Never got to the point of getting dressed. So by the time the whole thing was over I had to take another shower. I was covered in a rash (just had my allergy shots yesterday, and am allergic to dogs), and hydrogen peroxide. I took a pic of my arm to show you, but it was literally everywhere.

This is 3 bags of barf & the paper towels it took to clean it up. Yay.

Then I had to rush out of the house, to get to Lillie's 9 month check up. I'm still having an anxiety attack 4 hrs later.

The dogs are fine. They are playing outside like nothing ever happened. Don't call the Animal Police.

Get With It GM

About a week ago I decided it was time to purchase Lillie's new car seat to replace her infant carrier. I don't take her out in that thing much anymore, and when I do I nearly give myself a hernia...so it was time. Now, being that I hate switching car seats back and forth I have a car seat for each car. So I needed to buy 2 car seats, and instead of buying 2 new ones for Lillie. I decided to buy the kids new car seats for my car, and put the old ones in my husband's pick-up. I set my sights on the Britax Marathon, because it has such good ratings for both safety and user friendly features. My sister assured me that they take only minutes to install. "How wonderful would that be?" I thought to myself.



So yesterday afternoon I set out to install those puppies in my car. All excited that this should only take a few minutes, and my children would be forever safe and secure. I put my daughters in, rear-facing on the passengers side, and moved around to the driver's side to put in my son's. Little did I know that the people that design car LATCH systems like to play "Russian Roulette" with the placement of the anchors. They put anchors in the passenger's side, and the center, but not in the driver's side. Why? Why not just put them in every seat to give people flexibility? My Toyota had them in every seat, AND it had removable headrests, another awesome feature for car seat installation.

I just sat there considering my options. I could either A) put my kids right next to each other, but I couldn't even consider that one without breaking out into maniacal laughter. I mean really? Put my kids in poking distance of each other? I'd never have a peaceful drive again! B) put my son in the 3rd row, but then I would have to climb back there to buckle him in, give him snacks on long drives, wipe his nose, etc. And finally, C) install the car seat with the lap/shoulder belt, which makes you feel like you love one kid less. Guess which one I picked?

You got it GM! I chose to love my 3 year old, first-born son, less than his baby sister. I hope you're happy with yourself. It's totally understandable. I mean those little metal loops probably cost an arm and a leg. Oh, and then you'd have to hire someone to install the extra set, so that's an annual salary of $80,000, which would raise the price of the Denali to $100,000. Ya, you're right, we don't need those loops. It's better if my son flies out of the car, because he only has a flimsy lap belt holding him in.

We cool GM! You gotz the justifikashun heer.

Send me your mess of the day

Amazingly my kids haven't been making that many devestating messes lately *knock on wood.* So I would love to see some of yours! Snap a pic of those messy messes and I will use them as part of my Mess of the Day feature. :)

Send them to my email.

Puppy love?

Someone smack me on the head. What the hell was I thinking getting a puppy? I must have lost my damn mind for a while. I mean sure puppies are cute and all, but the chewing, and the razor sharp puppy teeth. Oh and don't even get me started on the accidents in the house. I'm so tired of cleaning up pee! Just when I think she's getting the hang of it...Squish! That's me stepping in a freshly urine soaked carpet. Or god forbid I don't see it, and literally smell it later. It gets this nasty chicken soupy smell to it...gagarific.

This is supposed to be my husband's dog, but he does NOTHING to take care of her. Today I called him and said "I don't know what to do with this dog! She keeps tackling Byron and gnawing on him. Now he won't go outside to play, and I'm going crazy with him in the house!"

Do you know what he said to me? "Maybe you should go outside and play with her?" Oh. No. He. Didn't.

The guy who doesn't do anything to take care of her is criticizing the fact that I haven't walked her that day. Grrrrrrr....

So then I hung up on him, took a shower and walked her. Because I needed the walk to straighten my attitude out anyway. As I was walking with my beastly double stroller, and three dogs, a car rolled up on me very slowly and paced me for a bit. It was filled with 3 men (one with a lazy eye) who just leered at me and smiled. Totally creeped me out, and I gave them a healthy dose of stink eye. It's the curse of having this white girl ghetto booty. It draws unwanted attention, and smacks.

But then later it made me feel good to know that I'm still worthy of leering. I mean it's better they leer then bark at me out the window right?

I have a phobia OKAY!

For anyone who knows me this is a well-known fact. I am a needle phobe. Seriously. The thought of shots gets me all sweaty, and my heart starts to race. The last time I got a shot was when I was 16, and I worked myself up so much that by the time the nurse gave it to me I passed out. So, when I made the decision to get WEEKLY allergy shots it was for a couple reasons. 1) I have bad allergies to many things around me. I'm allergic to dogs, and I have 3. I'm allergic to sagebrush and tumbleweeds, and I live in the desert. More importantly I'm allergic to cows, and hay. My husband's dream is to farm and have cows. So allergy shots might help me deal with that. And...
2) I wanted to force myself to get over my fear. Or at least lessen it. Right now it's affecting my decisions for my health, such as I haven't had a tetanus shot since I was 16. I need to get up the courage to say I want it, but that is so much easier said than done. I thought a little exposure therapy might help me suck it up. '
Allergy shots use very small needles, and they only go into the subcutaneous layer of the skin, not into the muscle. Everyone was telling me this, and that they were easy. The thing is you can't tell someone with a phobia that it doesn't hurt. They won't believe you. If I go up to a person afraid of heights and say...."oh the Ferris wheel isn't scary, just try it!" They are NOT going to believe me. More than likely they will not get on that Ferris wheel, unless they really want to try to work past their fear.

I had explained these fears to my doctor & nurse. I left the kids with my mom, so that they wouldn't see me act like a Sissy LaLa Bedwetter for my shots, and I walked to the office. I needed to walk to help with my anxiety. When I walked in she was literally surprised to see me. She said "oh I thought I'd have to call your sister (who already gets shots) and have her drag you in here."
"No," I said. "I'm afraid, but I'm doing this to get past that."

She made me sit in a chair and suck on a Jolly Rancher in case I decided to pass out. Then the next thing I know she's like "okay other arm." I DID NOT EVEN FEEL THE FIRST SHOT!
The second one pinched a bit, but it wasn't bad at all. Now I feel like a total idiot for even being nervous, but like I said I have a phobia. At least I won't be afraid to get the shots every week for 3-5 years now.

Now I just have to talk myself into that tetanus shot....

Did I mention I was REALLY busy...I don't think I have time. ;)

Had a baaaad day and Mess of the Day

Ever have one of those days that things just keep going wrong all day? I had one of those today. I felt like I should just go back to bed and start over only you can't do that when you have 2 kids and a new puppy. (Oh ya, in case you didn't know we got a puppy...I know I'm crazy. She's really good though. So far no accidents in the 2 days we've had her.) Anyway, the day started out good, but turned bad in a hurry. I strode out of the bathroom after doing my make-up, ready to dress the kids and head off to play date when I noticed my son licking the floor. I get closer, and see a puddle of brown liquid on the floor and the Jumbo size Maple Syrup bottle next to it. My son poured Maple Syrup on my off white carpet that had just been professionally steam cleaned 2 weeks before. So after I went off of him for 5 minutes, and did the best I could to quickly clean it up with my Hoover Steam Cleaner I grabbed the kids and dressed them quickly to go to playgroup. I needed this time out to vent to other moms and distract myself as much as he did. He said he didn't want to go, so I like to think it was sort of a punishment. ;)

After playgroup we went to the store, and when we returned I tried to shut my garage door and it wouldn't shut. I had to call a service tech out. As I'm talking to the guy for that on the phone Byron decided to RoundUp the entire garage with my husbands sprayer. So I had to yell at him while I was on the phone. Embarrassing. Ended up fixable on the garage door, but it's life is short lived and will be needing a new one soon.

I go inside and notice a red spot on the carpet in the dining room. Get closer and discover it's freaking hot sauce. Do you know how hard it is to get hot sauce out? Almost as hard as engine grease (that was my husband's fault, and he nearly lost his life to a deranged wife that day.)

Finally, I decided to use a brightening product on my towels that said it was for whites AND colors, but it totally bleached them. ALL of my towels are now peach instead of beige.

Stick a fork in me....I'm done with this day!

Mess of the Day

That VCR tape contained priceless memories of my childhood. Bye bye memories. *sniff*

Goodbye Jello Salad..Hello 80s

The demise of the Jello Salad? About a year ago I was at a potluck for my grandparent's 60th Wedding Anniversary. Of course, the green jiggly salad made an appearance, and I thought to myself "it's days are numbered." I mean how many people under the age of 50 do you know that bring Jello salad to a party? I personally don't know anyone. How many people under the age of 30 do you know who LIKE Jello Salad? I'm gonna go with "very few" as my answer. Jello I like. Jello with fruit in it fine. But leave out the cottage cheese. I like cottage cheese, but not with my jello.

Besides, how many people even own Jello Molds anymore? I think by the time my generation is old the Jello Salad will be extinct. Or maybe, all of our teeth will fall out, because of the soda we drink and we'll have to bring it back....old school style. Kinda like how people are bringing back the hideous fashions of the 80s, and acting like it's awesome. Ummm no. It was ugly then, and it's still ugly. Skinny jeans only look good on people who are toothpick size. Puffy sleeves. Don't look good at all. Side ponytails...mistake. I promise one day you will look back and say "oh boy check out that sweet side ponytail." I know, because I have pictures like that from my childhood.