Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Uncomfortable Situations

For over a week now, I've been having a serious case of writer's block. Probably if I wasn't trying to write a humor blog I would have lots of things to say, but sometimes you just don't feel funny. Lo and behold I went to Spokane again today. This place is a goldmine for blogging apparently. I came back with the idea for 3 different blogs. I'm going to start with this one though, because it is the one I have developed the most in my head.

Here is a list of situations I find uncomfortable. Once again, I encourage you to respond with your similar situations to continue the laughs.

1. Using the bathroom at a restaurant and seeing an employee leave without washing their hands. Eww! This situation is never a good one. It gives you a huge case of the icks. The worst is when you see that AFTER you've eaten your meal and are preparing to leave the restaurant. If you notice before you can still leave before you've been infected with whatever nasty bacteria you could get, but after you've already eaten. Ya, there is no feeling like knowing you might get sick. The ironic part is how often do you get sick at a restaurant that you see a worker not wash their hands? Not often. It's usually a sneak attack when you think you're safe!

2. Sitting in the gynecologist office waiting room. You're just all sitting around knowing your going to get every one's favorite exam. There is no escaping it. Everyone there knows that you're going to have a doctor's face between your legs within minutes of each other. Now that I think about it. It's kind of like your doctor is cheating on you with everyone in the room. We should all be really catty in the waiting room. Instead we're like {whispering} "are you done with that People Magazine? Oh you're here to see Dr. Smith too. Their the best, aren't they? My vagina used to hate going for a checkup. She would break out in a cold sweat, but not since I started seeing Dr. Smith!" Where else in real life do you have that conversation?

3. Sitting on a public toilet and reading about STD prevention. It's just not something you want to think about at that particular moment. It's a good thing to warn people about, but it just gets you thinking. What's on this toilet? Was someone just sitting here and said to themselves "oh my, I didn't even think about getting a disease from that guy with the icky sores. Maybe I should get checked?!" No, you want delusions that everyone who sat on that toilet before you had a pristine hiney. Nuns. That's who I want to have sat on that toilet before me. Nuns.

4. Elevators! I find elevators to be highly uncomfortable for two reasons. 1) you are in such close quarters with people you sort of feel obligated to talk to them. It's kind of like being locked in a closet with someone and not talking to them. But it's doubly awkward, because you don't know what floor they are getting off on. Maybe your conversation will be cut short! Then you just sound like a buffoon. 2) The elevator is sometimes to full to fit everyone in your family in the car. So then you feel like an idiot for trying to press yourselves into the elevator with all your baby gear. Sometimes you just can't fit, and then you feel dumb for wasting every ones time instead of just sending them on and waiting for the next one.

5. When someone waves from far away and it looks like they are waving at you, but they could be waving at someone behind you. That's awkward! You wave back hesitantly. Unsure if they are waving at you. Only to find out they weren't! This is more embarassing when it's an aquaintance who is really waving at someone they like more than you.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Package Problems

Not that you perverts. I know what you were thinking when I said "package problems!" You were hoping for another post about s-e-x! Welp, sorry to disappoint you, but I want to talk about something a little more mundane.
Have you purchased anything in a clam shell (focus...I know it's easy to get sidetracked by dirty thoughts!) or in the children's toy aisle recently? The precautions they take to keep people from stealing things have gotten out of control. Anytime you buy an electronic accessory of some sort you are forced to contend with the molded plastic clam shell monstrosities they are packaged in. Those things are so difficult to get into that someone invented a tool to open them more easily. I don't remember what the tool is called, but I wish I did. I would buy it. It probably comes in a clam shell too. So then what are you supposed to do? You make some strategic cuts and then try to Hulk that thing open like you're tearing phonebooks in half. I've cut myself more than once on one of those bad boys. YIKES! Maybe I should sue someone for the physical pain I endure opening their product. It really takes away from the joy of opening that brand new sparkly cellphone charger when it takes you an hour to wrestle it out of the package.

Then there are the toy packages. Seriously Fisher Price, I think two freakishly, hard to untwist, twisty ties is ample to secure your Little People Airplane in it's packaging. You don't have to put ten of them. I mean if someone is going to sit in the store aisle, and somehow manage to finagle that toy out of the box with a few of those twist ties AND dodge the surveillance cameras; I say they deserve that free toy. That would really be something!! I can barely get those puppies out in the comfort of my own home under the impatient eye of my toddler. After a while, he just gets frustrated and just decides to play with it in the box, because he can't wait! Now that's embarrassing. Your own child gives up hope of you ever getting that toy free from the package!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Kreativ Blogger Award

Thank you so much to Kim from My Parenting 411 for nominating me for her Kreativ Blogger Award. It's really flattering! Especially when you've only been blogging for a short time!

Kim's blog is really neat. It's about her experiences and advice for how to handle parenting situations. She is a former school teacher and has some really great tips! Check her out sometime at http://www.myparenting411.blogspot.com/

Here are the RULES of this Award:
(1) Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
(2) Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
(3) Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
(4) Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
(5) Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
(6) Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
(7) Leave a comment on each of the blogs, letting them know they have been nominated.

To follow the rules of this award, I am choosing the following blogs to receive this award...
1. Mommy Confessions
2. Mommygaga
3. Serenity Now!
4. Blog Like Ninja
5. ZenMom
6. Nanny Goats in Panties
7. Playgroups are no place for children

Seven Facts about Me...
1. I'm a mother of 2. I have a 2.5 yr old son and a 4 month old girl.
2. I come from a large family.
3. I love blue cheese. Well most cheeses really!
4. I'm a historical fiction junkie.
5. I actually enjoy a lot of childrens movies and shows.
6. I have two dogs. Edward & Merry. They are Boston Terrier cuties.
7. I love being a housewife. It's my favorite job ever!

So Little Time

You'd be surprised what you can get done in an hour. Since, I became a mother, let alone a mother of two, I can literally clean almost my whole house in 1 hour. Now it won't be "eat off the floor clean" or "the MIL is coming over clean," but it is definitely not shameful! Before I had kids this might take me all day. Now I have learned to clean in a whirlwind of furry. A bag for garbage tied to my waistband, a rag for wiping slung over my shoulder, and madly throwing toys into bins!
This morning I woke up around 9:30 (thank you very much you saintly little children for letting your mother recharge her batteries) and soon after my friend called. I haven't seen her for a very long time, and she just moved back to town. So she asked if she could stop by this morning, and of course I'm not going to turn that down no matter how dirty my house is.
So I had 1 hour to do the shower ritual, clean the house, and get breakfast. I managed to get all that done, and now I'm just waiting for her to get here. This is no small task considering our house is 2300 sq. ft. *takes a bow* THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU'RE TOO KIND! (sorry that was just me imagining the praise you're giving me. Just kidding!) Now that she's taking a little longer, I might try to go do something over the top like vacuum!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

My last shred of sanity...

On Friday, I was about to check myself into the Loony bin! My children are driving me to the edge. As I've said before, in the past I would get so wound up that I felt I was always yelling at my son. Part of that was being pregnant and having a toddler, but I was also focusing on the negative. Well, since my baby girl arrived I have made a huge effort to find the humor in situations instead of getting uptight. This rule, however, has exceptions for days where my son literally does the opposite of everything I say, gets into things he knows aren't allowed, and uses his sippy cup of chocolate milk as a crop duster on my carpet. The rule also doesn't apply to days where all those things happen, and my daughter decides to cry at the drop of a hat and wake me up for good at 5am. All these things compounded have me feeling so frazzled that I would be willing to set my children on the curb with a $50 tucked in each of their pockets and a FREE sign. I might do it just for 5 min of quiet and then go bring them inside (you think they would still be there? Probably, if they were still crying.) This dramatic incident, which I like to call TI PMS (Toddler/Infant Pissy Me Syndrome) lasted for 3 days this last week. (Actually, I'm not sure it's over. *crosses fingers it is*) It resulted in a headache so bad that I wanted to decapitate myself just to get some relief. I hate the sight of blood though. So I just took one of my leftover post partum pain pills. It was that bad people...a near migraine from tension. Don't go running off and telling people that I'm a pill popper now...it was just one. It didn't even make it go away totally, but it did a lot to dull it. Enough so, that when I put my son in his room for an extended time out I was able to tidy up the whole house! By the way, it's amazing what taking one person out of the situation will do. That time out, allowed my daughter to sleep, which seems to be her main problem. I cleaned the house, which was adding to my stress. And my son was so glad to be released from his room that he behaved pretty darn good for the rest of the evening.
I really hope this whole TI PMS thing is over though. I don't know how many days in a row I can handle this attitude.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Assembly Blitz

After dinner on Tuesday night we decided to put together all the furniture for Lillie's room. I think we may have underestimated the amount of time this would take. The crib was the easy part. It only took about 15 minutes to assemble, but the chest of drawers...holy cats. If you've never tried to put one together let me just go ahead and recommend that you buy one already assembled. Please. For the sake of your sanity. They are ridiculous! They have about a million pieces to spread out all over the floor.

Really I don't mind putting things together. I kind of like starting with a bunch of pieces and ending up with a whole thing, but my husband literally hates putting things together. This doesn't stop him from telling me what to do the whole time. He makes me read the directions, and then tells me that I'm reading them wrong. If I had been in a bad mood this could have been a tense situation, but instead I was chuckling at his grumpiness the whole time.

Putting the dresser together required several different screwdrivers, even though it said it only needed one. For some parts we were able to use a battery powered one, which is awesome. Except the battery ran low part way through (my son was playing with it for a while before he went to bed...that couldn't have worn the battery down at all.) So then I had to plug it in and we were waiting for it to charge so we could finish. I used this time to start assembling drawers. They didn't need the battery powered screwdriver. My husband used this time to lay down amid all the parts and pieces and complain about assembling things. I really wanted to take a picture of this, but he was only in his underwear and I didn't think that it would go over well if I posted that on the interwebs. So I had to put all 6 drawers together myself, and he only put the handles on! The easiest part!

When we finally got everything put together, it was such a relief. It only took about 3 hours! And by the way, Graco may say that they have "quality" pieces of furniture, but I beg to differ. The things I bought from Ikea were easier to assemble, easier to move, and less expensive. So there you go!