Mom Olympics

Today I took a trip to the store during a small snow storm we're having here. When I went in it was freezing rain, and when I came out it was snowing again. I had my snow boots on, so I was set there, but I was having a little trouble pushing the cart. My cart was filled with groceries, and two kids. I was pushing it slightly uphill through the snow/slush/crusty ice. I mean I was almost horizontal pushing that damn thing! By the time I reached the car I was out of breath, my already sore thighs (from working out you perverts) were shaking, and I had a dewy glow on my brow. It was crazy, and I thought to myself "this should be an Olympic sport." Then I thought to myself "there are lots of things moms do that could be made into a sport." It's true! I mean sometimes being a mother requires every ounce of strength, agility, speed, and creativity we've got. How many times have you sat there for a minute and thought about how you would execute something with your kids in the mix? Personally, I can't even count. Just go back to those posts about flying with 2 kids and you've got about 2 dozen right there.

So here are some of the other events I'd put in the mom Olympics:

1) Getting out of the house with yourself and your children fully dressed in less than 10 minutes. Honestly, it is pure insanity itself to even put that time restraint on yourself, but sometimes we've got an emergency or rare situation when you have only minutes to leave the house. Inevitably my toddler is running around laughing at me as I try to catch him to put his clothes on, and the baby pulls her socks and shoes off 5 times before we leave. I've managed to get out of the house in minutes, but it isn't pretty and I need a stiff drink afterwards.

2) Trying to get all your errands done before the baby gets tired or hungry. There is a short window and these things require planning. The minute they're up from their nap you have to shove food in their mouth and throw them in the car, so that you can get all your errands done before the meltdown happens. Very hard to avoid. You've probably seen me in Wal Mart with the screaming baby and a toddler that is about to wiggle himself out of the cart headfirst.

3) Changing diapers on a newly mobile baby or young toddler. I've had to resort to putting my foot on the baby to keep them from wiggling away before I can either a) get the poop off before the baby wiggles it all over both of us and the carpet or b) get the Velcro tabs cinched down on the new one. It's like trying to diaper a de-clawed cat!

4) Feeding the kids and yourself at the same time when you have only 5 minutes. In between shoving bites in your own mouth you have to shove them in the baby's mouth, and yell at the toddler to "please eat! for the love of god, we have to leave in 3 minutes!"

5) Install a car seat on an airplane while you have a baby strapped to your chest.

6) Pregnancy triathalon - you have to shave your legs, paint your toe nails and tie your shoes. First one done wins.

I almost hate to say it...

but....we're potty training. I mean he's actually doing it. He's getting the hang of it. He's excited. It's going much easier than I ever anticipated. It's all due to a visit to a friend's house who is potty training, and the use of suckers as a reward. I would have never guessed that would be the ticket to success, but hey...I'll take it!

That is not to say it's not still disgusting. I stand by my observations that it is still yucky. On a few occasions poop has ended up all over the bathroom, and once on his sister. Don't ask me how....daddy was babysitting. I wish I could have been there to see that go down.

He has to be naked or it doesn't work as good. If I put sweat pants or underpants on him he forgets he is potty training. Is this normal?

I mean I'm still gonna take it. I don't care if he has to be naked for a year. It's better than being the only one who hasn't potty trained their kid yet. I felt like a pariah. Now I feel like I'm the one that's getting my big girl panties. LOL

I'm a bad fur mommy...

If any of you follow my tweets (@ihatepinkmom or look in the lower right corner of my blog) you will be aware that the other day I found a suspicious looking "chocolate sprinkle" aka mouse turd in my bathroom. Anyone who's had a mouse knows that you must nip the problem in the bud IMMEDIATELY or you will never get rid of the damn things. So I promptly put out some mouse bait that we had on hand, from last year's garage mouse. I put it behind the garbage can in my bathroom, and then made sure to keep the door closed during the day. I didn't want my kids or dogs getting into it. At night I left the door open, so the mouse could feast on his last supper while the dogs were crated and the kids in bed. All went according to plan, and I found small nibble marks last night on the poison. I was feeling very triumphant!

This morning I went to take my shower while the dogs were still crated, so the door was open. My son let the dogs out of the cage when he came down while I was in the shower. I get out of the shower, dry off, and head for the bedroom to get dressed when I see the puppy eating something green. At first I thought it was a crayon. There were only tiny crumbs left scattered on the carpet. Suddenly, I had a flash of recognition, and I ran to the bathroom. NO POISON! "SHIT, OH $#@%! OH NO, OH CRAP WHAT DO I DO?" I grabbed my phone and called the vet. She told me I need to make her throw up, and to make her drink hydrogen peroxide until she does. Luckily I just bought a new bottle last week. Seriously, I had only like a 1/4" in the bottom of the old bottle a few days ago. If I hadn't this whole thing could have been worse. So I use a syringe and force the peroxide down her throat, while she tries to bite my hand off to keep that nasty stuff out of her mouth. (Puppy teeth are so sharp and I don't know how she didn't cut the skin.) She throws up the poison after about 5 syringes of it, and then I had to wait 15 min and start over. This time no poison left. Then I realize that one of the other dogs could have licked up some of the poison that I didn't vacuum up yet (thank goodness the baby was still asleep!)

I force peroxide down the male Boston (Edward) and he throws up. Nothing. Phew! Now the female. Let me just tell you that she is THE hardest dog to give anything to orally. It takes 3 vet techs to hold her down and give her a worming pill at the doctor and she only weighs 13 pounds. This was a serious battle. After the second syringe of her fighting me and pushing it out of her mouth, I just started tearing up. Thinking to myself. "OH MY GOD SHE MIGHT DIE, BECAUSE I CAN'T GET HER TO TAKE THIS." I finally mustered the strength to get a 3rd syringe full down her throat. And then I waited to see if it would work. (The peroxide foams when it contacts the hydrochloric acid in your stomach, which then fills up your stomach so much it causes vomiting.)

Finally after 5 minutes, she threw up. The first batch showed nothing, and I thought I just went through all that for nothing. The second batch....one tiny fleck of poison. I don't know if that would have been enough to kill her, but it certainly wouldn't have been good. Since the poison causes internal hemorrhage it would have been difficult to tell anything was wrong until it did a lot of damage.

Now the funny part. The whole time I was doing that I was naked. Never got to the point of getting dressed. So by the time the whole thing was over I had to take another shower. I was covered in a rash (just had my allergy shots yesterday, and am allergic to dogs), and hydrogen peroxide. I took a pic of my arm to show you, but it was literally everywhere.

This is 3 bags of barf & the paper towels it took to clean it up. Yay.

Then I had to rush out of the house, to get to Lillie's 9 month check up. I'm still having an anxiety attack 4 hrs later.

The dogs are fine. They are playing outside like nothing ever happened. Don't call the Animal Police.

Get With It GM

About a week ago I decided it was time to purchase Lillie's new car seat to replace her infant carrier. I don't take her out in that thing much anymore, and when I do I nearly give myself a hernia...so it was time. Now, being that I hate switching car seats back and forth I have a car seat for each car. So I needed to buy 2 car seats, and instead of buying 2 new ones for Lillie. I decided to buy the kids new car seats for my car, and put the old ones in my husband's pick-up. I set my sights on the Britax Marathon, because it has such good ratings for both safety and user friendly features. My sister assured me that they take only minutes to install. "How wonderful would that be?" I thought to myself.



So yesterday afternoon I set out to install those puppies in my car. All excited that this should only take a few minutes, and my children would be forever safe and secure. I put my daughters in, rear-facing on the passengers side, and moved around to the driver's side to put in my son's. Little did I know that the people that design car LATCH systems like to play "Russian Roulette" with the placement of the anchors. They put anchors in the passenger's side, and the center, but not in the driver's side. Why? Why not just put them in every seat to give people flexibility? My Toyota had them in every seat, AND it had removable headrests, another awesome feature for car seat installation.

I just sat there considering my options. I could either A) put my kids right next to each other, but I couldn't even consider that one without breaking out into maniacal laughter. I mean really? Put my kids in poking distance of each other? I'd never have a peaceful drive again! B) put my son in the 3rd row, but then I would have to climb back there to buckle him in, give him snacks on long drives, wipe his nose, etc. And finally, C) install the car seat with the lap/shoulder belt, which makes you feel like you love one kid less. Guess which one I picked?

You got it GM! I chose to love my 3 year old, first-born son, less than his baby sister. I hope you're happy with yourself. It's totally understandable. I mean those little metal loops probably cost an arm and a leg. Oh, and then you'd have to hire someone to install the extra set, so that's an annual salary of $80,000, which would raise the price of the Denali to $100,000. Ya, you're right, we don't need those loops. It's better if my son flies out of the car, because he only has a flimsy lap belt holding him in.

We cool GM! You gotz the justifikashun heer.

Send me your mess of the day

Amazingly my kids haven't been making that many devestating messes lately *knock on wood.* So I would love to see some of yours! Snap a pic of those messy messes and I will use them as part of my Mess of the Day feature. :)

Send them to my email.

Puppy love?

Someone smack me on the head. What the hell was I thinking getting a puppy? I must have lost my damn mind for a while. I mean sure puppies are cute and all, but the chewing, and the razor sharp puppy teeth. Oh and don't even get me started on the accidents in the house. I'm so tired of cleaning up pee! Just when I think she's getting the hang of it...Squish! That's me stepping in a freshly urine soaked carpet. Or god forbid I don't see it, and literally smell it later. It gets this nasty chicken soupy smell to it...gagarific.

This is supposed to be my husband's dog, but he does NOTHING to take care of her. Today I called him and said "I don't know what to do with this dog! She keeps tackling Byron and gnawing on him. Now he won't go outside to play, and I'm going crazy with him in the house!"

Do you know what he said to me? "Maybe you should go outside and play with her?" Oh. No. He. Didn't.

The guy who doesn't do anything to take care of her is criticizing the fact that I haven't walked her that day. Grrrrrrr....

So then I hung up on him, took a shower and walked her. Because I needed the walk to straighten my attitude out anyway. As I was walking with my beastly double stroller, and three dogs, a car rolled up on me very slowly and paced me for a bit. It was filled with 3 men (one with a lazy eye) who just leered at me and smiled. Totally creeped me out, and I gave them a healthy dose of stink eye. It's the curse of having this white girl ghetto booty. It draws unwanted attention, and smacks.

But then later it made me feel good to know that I'm still worthy of leering. I mean it's better they leer then bark at me out the window right?

I have a phobia OKAY!

For anyone who knows me this is a well-known fact. I am a needle phobe. Seriously. The thought of shots gets me all sweaty, and my heart starts to race. The last time I got a shot was when I was 16, and I worked myself up so much that by the time the nurse gave it to me I passed out. So, when I made the decision to get WEEKLY allergy shots it was for a couple reasons. 1) I have bad allergies to many things around me. I'm allergic to dogs, and I have 3. I'm allergic to sagebrush and tumbleweeds, and I live in the desert. More importantly I'm allergic to cows, and hay. My husband's dream is to farm and have cows. So allergy shots might help me deal with that. And...
2) I wanted to force myself to get over my fear. Or at least lessen it. Right now it's affecting my decisions for my health, such as I haven't had a tetanus shot since I was 16. I need to get up the courage to say I want it, but that is so much easier said than done. I thought a little exposure therapy might help me suck it up. '
Allergy shots use very small needles, and they only go into the subcutaneous layer of the skin, not into the muscle. Everyone was telling me this, and that they were easy. The thing is you can't tell someone with a phobia that it doesn't hurt. They won't believe you. If I go up to a person afraid of heights and say...."oh the Ferris wheel isn't scary, just try it!" They are NOT going to believe me. More than likely they will not get on that Ferris wheel, unless they really want to try to work past their fear.

I had explained these fears to my doctor & nurse. I left the kids with my mom, so that they wouldn't see me act like a Sissy LaLa Bedwetter for my shots, and I walked to the office. I needed to walk to help with my anxiety. When I walked in she was literally surprised to see me. She said "oh I thought I'd have to call your sister (who already gets shots) and have her drag you in here."
"No," I said. "I'm afraid, but I'm doing this to get past that."

She made me sit in a chair and suck on a Jolly Rancher in case I decided to pass out. Then the next thing I know she's like "okay other arm." I DID NOT EVEN FEEL THE FIRST SHOT!
The second one pinched a bit, but it wasn't bad at all. Now I feel like a total idiot for even being nervous, but like I said I have a phobia. At least I won't be afraid to get the shots every week for 3-5 years now.

Now I just have to talk myself into that tetanus shot....

Did I mention I was REALLY busy...I don't think I have time. ;)

Had a baaaad day and Mess of the Day

Ever have one of those days that things just keep going wrong all day? I had one of those today. I felt like I should just go back to bed and start over only you can't do that when you have 2 kids and a new puppy. (Oh ya, in case you didn't know we got a puppy...I know I'm crazy. She's really good though. So far no accidents in the 2 days we've had her.) Anyway, the day started out good, but turned bad in a hurry. I strode out of the bathroom after doing my make-up, ready to dress the kids and head off to play date when I noticed my son licking the floor. I get closer, and see a puddle of brown liquid on the floor and the Jumbo size Maple Syrup bottle next to it. My son poured Maple Syrup on my off white carpet that had just been professionally steam cleaned 2 weeks before. So after I went off of him for 5 minutes, and did the best I could to quickly clean it up with my Hoover Steam Cleaner I grabbed the kids and dressed them quickly to go to playgroup. I needed this time out to vent to other moms and distract myself as much as he did. He said he didn't want to go, so I like to think it was sort of a punishment. ;)

After playgroup we went to the store, and when we returned I tried to shut my garage door and it wouldn't shut. I had to call a service tech out. As I'm talking to the guy for that on the phone Byron decided to RoundUp the entire garage with my husbands sprayer. So I had to yell at him while I was on the phone. Embarrassing. Ended up fixable on the garage door, but it's life is short lived and will be needing a new one soon.

I go inside and notice a red spot on the carpet in the dining room. Get closer and discover it's freaking hot sauce. Do you know how hard it is to get hot sauce out? Almost as hard as engine grease (that was my husband's fault, and he nearly lost his life to a deranged wife that day.)

Finally, I decided to use a brightening product on my towels that said it was for whites AND colors, but it totally bleached them. ALL of my towels are now peach instead of beige.

Stick a fork in me....I'm done with this day!

Mess of the Day

That VCR tape contained priceless memories of my childhood. Bye bye memories. *sniff*

Goodbye Jello Salad..Hello 80s

The demise of the Jello Salad? About a year ago I was at a potluck for my grandparent's 60th Wedding Anniversary. Of course, the green jiggly salad made an appearance, and I thought to myself "it's days are numbered." I mean how many people under the age of 50 do you know that bring Jello salad to a party? I personally don't know anyone. How many people under the age of 30 do you know who LIKE Jello Salad? I'm gonna go with "very few" as my answer. Jello I like. Jello with fruit in it fine. But leave out the cottage cheese. I like cottage cheese, but not with my jello.

Besides, how many people even own Jello Molds anymore? I think by the time my generation is old the Jello Salad will be extinct. Or maybe, all of our teeth will fall out, because of the soda we drink and we'll have to bring it back....old school style. Kinda like how people are bringing back the hideous fashions of the 80s, and acting like it's awesome. Ummm no. It was ugly then, and it's still ugly. Skinny jeans only look good on people who are toothpick size. Puffy sleeves. Don't look good at all. Side ponytails...mistake. I promise one day you will look back and say "oh boy check out that sweet side ponytail." I know, because I have pictures like that from my childhood.

Wait A Minute...

I thought the terrible twos were supposed to be ending, and the "cute as a button threes" would start! Not that my son isn't cute. He can be very charming, and says the most adorable things. For instance, the other day he came into the bathroom, where his sister was crawling around and grabbed hold of her bum and started shaking it back and forth going "shakin' you booty...shakin' you booty." SO freakin' cute!

But he's also entering this phase where he is so bossy. He will come in and say "mom clean up this mess." Or my favorite is when my husband and I are having a loud discussion, he says "calm down (Mommy or Daddy)." Or in his more desperate moments he tells us to "shut up." Great.

The worst is his new found burst of independence. He has to do EVERYTHING by himself or a meltdown of epic proportions ensues. Just try telling him he can't slice his own apple, and he falls to the floor in a hissy fit. The frustrating part of this is that I do allow him to do more things, but of course it takes him longer to make a peanut butter sandwich than it takes me. With 5 times the mess.

But he can be heartbreakingly sweet too. His vocabulary and speech are coming along so nicely. Each day he comes up with new words, but my favorites are always "I love you mommy."

Advice From Every Angle

I was watching a rerun of Oprah today all about how rude people are these days. I totally agree, but I think that sometimes we are rude unintentionally. Especially as mothers. I mean, as a mother it's hard not to try to force your ideas on someone else. There is a difference between giving advice, and making the other mom feel like a failure. I have had a few of these recently.

1) Potty training. I already know that my son is almost 3 and isn't potty trained, but for some reason people remind me of this constantly. I will see someone I haven't seen in a while, and they say "did you get Byron all potty trained now?" And I of course reply with "not yet, I've tried everything." "BUT HE'S ALMOST 3, " they say. Really?! I had no idea my son has a birthday coming up. I labored 36hrs to push that kid out of my loins, but can't remember what day it was on. Thanks for reminding me! Besides, it's not for lack of trying! Some children are just stubborn. Mine is one of those stubborn kids. Probably one day he will just walk up to me and say "mother I'm ready to use the lavatory" and we will never look back. In the meantime, I have to hear "BUT HE'S ALMOST 3" every time I see someone who asks me this question.

2) Sleeping through the night. Honestly, like I want my child to wake up every 2 hours to nurse. Again I hear "she's old enough to be sleeping through the night now." Okaaaay, but she's not. What do you want me to do? I'm not going to drug a 6 month old. I don't have the nerves at that hour of night to let her cry for 30 min. I can handle 5 or maybe 10, but I'm too soft to go much longer. "Feed her rice cereal before bed," they say. Sure, if I could get her to swallow it that might help. Which leads me to...

3) Solid foods. At 4 months people started asking me if I was feeding her solids yet. Which I wasn't for 3 reasons. 1) I didn't feed them to my son until 6 months 2) I don't see the necessity in feeding them pulverized rice 3) Nursing is easier. Now that she has reached 6 months I've tried every 1st food without success, until yesterday she wouldn't swallow any of it. Which goes to show that my kids will not be pushed. They will do things in their own time.

I think the same is true for many things about motherhood and family life in general. I have my own little system of things. I only put my kids on a loose schedule. I don't feed solids until 6 months. I think breastfeeding is the bees knees. I put my kids to bed before 8pm if possible. I use a bullpen full of discipline techniques. But, these things don't work well for everyone. So when I give advice I TRY to be nonchalant about it. I don't want to sound like a know-it-all, because I'm not.

This is not to say that if I hear a good suggestion I don't try it out. I do! Some work and some don't, but I think delivery of the advice is important.

Mess of the Day

Yep. It's just what it looks like. That's how my day has been. :)

Potty Training SUCKS!

Okay, I'm trying to potty train, but I'm just not good at it. So far all I've managed to train my son to do is pee his pants and put them in a bucket to soak. I mean if you wanna get down to it he is learning when he's wet, and that it's uncomfortable...but not what I was going for. He still isn't asking to go to the potty. On occasion he does ask, but then doesn't go to the bathroom. I've tried taking him ever half an hour, making him clean up his own messes, and bribes. It's not working! But should I just give up and go back?

I thought we had a breakthrough the other day. He asked to sit on the potty and he made a trickle. SO I did the happy dance, and gave him his bribe. Then a few minutes later I left the room for a few minutes to change the baby, and I come back to him "christening" my brand new sit and stand stroller. He was standing on the toddler seat part and just letting go a yellow river! A full bladder pee ladies and gentleman. I made him help me clean it up, but I'm thinking of letting go for a while. Should I keep letting him wear underwear or go back to diapers?

Don't Come A Knockin'

This is a little PSA for anyone that feels the need to come to my door randomly selling anything. I don't care what you're selling. I'm not buying. I have enough to do everyday without having to sit there with my door agape, flies buzzing in, air conditioning escaping, while I try to tell you "no." Why the two letters N and O formed together in a word, explaining my lack of interest isn't enough, I don't know. I have to tell you multiple times. On multiple occasions sometimes! I mean how many times can certain religious groups come by and hear "No I'm not interested?" Maybe they should make a sheet of addresses, and next to the address put "not interested."

At least twice in the last couple of months, said knockers have come to my door and the TV is on, the kids are screaming, and I just ignore it. I see them go to the neighbors house first and I'm forewarned. They make me uncomfortable, and if my kids are screaming it's not really a good time to have a discussion on theology. Is that rude? To not answer my door if I'm too busy? Probably! Even more rude, my kid was yelling "MOMMY LADY AT THE DOOR!!" Repeatedly. But I just ignored it and walked by my windowed door to go change a poopy diaper.

I get a lot of kids coming around to sell things for various organizations. Sometimes I feel it is a worthy cause, and sometimes I don't. I always feel obligated to buy, because it's a child. How many tubs of cookie dough can one person buy? I do not need extra cookie dough sitting around. That's bad news for this lady. Or rolls of wrapping paper? They are tiny rolls and they cost like $7 each! I could buy 2 big rolls at WalMart for that price. I know....I know...it's for a good cause. Maybe. The one that really made me feel bad is the "Jog-a-thon for school supplies." (I pledged okay!) I asked the little girl what kind of school supplies, and she said, "oh you know Kleenex, art supplies, and copier paper." I just kept thinking to myself "how bad is our educational system when kids need to run laps to earn the money for our school to have Kleenex?" Seriously folks, we're having a funding crisis apparently. When I went to school the Kleenex was "free" no running required.

Oh and what about those magazine sales people that are trying to become famous? Is that legit? Cuz back in college I bought a subscription to VIBE from a really hot guy, and I did get my magazines. Two years of a magazine I didn't really identify with much. It just seems kinda shady. Plus, I haven't seen his name in lights yet. Poor dude.

Anyway, the point is...it annoys me when people sell things door to door. So stop it. Or don't, but I'm not answering anymore.

Blog Award

Thank you to Little Lady Bugs boutique for the One Lovely Blog Award! To add to my humble collection. It makes me smile to know someone else reads my blog, and likes it.

The PR of Parenting

I believe I previously mentioned that I went to school for Public Relations. I do have a deep love for this, but I never got the foot in the door after college. Then the next thing I know I'm married and pregnant. So much for writing media packets, event planning, and fixing disasters (I can't even think of the name of that right now. Oye vey!) CRISIS MANAGEMENT! Duh. Okay, anyway I still yearn to practice PR. The other day I noticed that as a parent you are constantly practicing public relations skills. Most specifically "spinning" things to be appealing to your child.


1) Spinning - My son will avoid trying new foods, because he doesn't know what they are. Even desserts! I have to tell him what it is, or is similar to, in his favorites category. For instance, we were at a festival last night and tried a deep fried Snickers. I asked him if he wanted a bite. He shook his head. "It's like cake," I said. He takes a bite.


2) Promotion - You are the spokesman for your child. All children act out at times or do something unsavory in the presence of other parents. In order to maintain face you must a) accept responsibility for the actions of your child b) do some sort of punishment visable to all around and appropriate (not an easy task) and c) vow that they will never do it again or will try to do better. Just like in being a spokesperson for a company. You can promise things all you want, but you don't have any real control. That's why they need a PR person in the first place.



3) Party Planning - Children's birthday parties. Need I say more? Everything has to have a theme, and be original.

4) Crisis Management - Being a parent you deal with crises on a regular basis. It can be anything from a real emergency that requires medical attention to lost lovies. I was making breakfast once when my son was just over a year old. We have cabinet locks on our doors, but since I was cooking bacon I'd left it open for a min so I could easily throw away the package. I put the bacon in the pan and turned around to see my son sitting there with a Cascade Power Pack ripped open. Just as I looked he swiped some of the detergent off the floor and into his mouth. He spit most of it out, but I was freaked! So I grabbed the box, and read the emergency advice. It said give them milk if it is ingested. So I gave him some milk, and then I called Poison Control. They said that he should be fine, since it was just a bit and I had done the right thing by giving him the milk. By keeping a level head, I had avoided making a mistake into a crisis. I could have freaked out and went off screaming for someone to call an ambulance, but I just read the label.

5) Media Relations - Sending out regular emails full of pictures to family and friends.

Scatterbrain

It's a good thing I'm so scatterbrained lately, or I might have nothing to write about. Or, maybe I would have more to write about if I didn't forget it. I can't remember. Anyway, yesterday I was having a lazy day. You know where you take a shower, and put on clean pajamas. Do nothing, but the bare minimum around the house, etc. Around 4 o'clock I took Byron outside to enjoy the heat minus the sun. (We are very fair people, sun isn't our friend.) I was paying some bills, and I kept writing 7/21/09 on the checks. Thinking to myself "the 21st...hmmm...why does that ring a bell." It took a while, but suddenly it hit me. "OH $#&@! I forgot to get Ryan's tonnage." I glanced at my phone. 5:06 p.m. Are they closed already? So I called real quick. They are open until 5:30 p.m. So now I have a dilemma. Can I make it there by 5:30? My son was soaking wet in nothing but a tshirt and a diaper. I was in pajamas with hair that air dried, and no make-up. Not even mascara. I don't leave my house without mascara. I just don't! (I'm not high maintenance it's just a quirk I have, because my eye lashes are so light colored people tell me I look sick without it.)
"Screw it, I'll give it a shot!"
So I start running around. I put the baby, who happened to be the only one dressed for the day, in her car seat. Then I tackled Byron and put him in a dry diaper and clothes.
"FIND YOUR SHOES BYRON," I yelled. He stood there looking at me dumb founded as I'm hopping around trying to put my own pants on and my flip flops at the same time.
"NEVER MIND THERE ARE SHOES IN THE CAR. GO TO THE CAR!"
I didn't lock my doors, I just set the security system and left the TV on to scare away intruders. Then I put the baby in, and chased my son into the car. I zipped out of the garage at exactly 5:13 p.m.
I arrived at the office at 5:25 p.m. and rushed the kids out of the car. Only when I got inside the Department of Licensing office, did I realize that I had forgotten the form showing I paid our Heavy Road Use Tax.
Horror crossed my face. "Oh no. All that for nothing?! Now I'll have to come back tomorrow!"
"What's wrong?" Asked the lady behind the counter.
"I forgot my Heavy Road Tax," I said.
"Oh don't worry, you don't have to have it in til October this year. Just fax it to us so you don't forgot again."
"THANK GOODNESS!"
So I bought the tonnage and went back home. Almost a non event! That's what I get for being scatterbrained.

Big Girls Don't Cry

I've always been a crier. I cry when I'm happy. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm frustrated. I cry when I'm mad. It's just how I am, and it's kind of embarrassing. Once, when I had just moved from Washington to Iowa during my Sophomore year of high school, I had to write a paper about someone that I look up to. Well, I wrote it about my gymnastics coach. She was like a second mom to me when I was little. I spent so many hours in her care that I would call her mom by accident. I loved her. So I wrote this paper, in a class of people I didn't know, and was then asked to read it aloud. I cried. It probably doomed me from having friends at that school. Not only was I the "new kid" but I was the "new kid" who cries about stupid papers.
So you get the idea about how much I cry. Well, this story is about how proud I am that I did NOT cry.

Friday I went to Costco. Going to Costco is a big deal, because I only go once every 6-8 weeks and I have to drive an hour or more to get there. We don't have one any closer than that, and so I often have to pick up things for other people. This trip my sister asked me to get her a GPS and I was going to buy my husband an iPod. I did my detailed trip through the store. Sure not to miss any items. Just as I was finishing the last of my list the baby started fussing. Time to feed her again. Perfect timing, since we were nearly done.

Well, I got my groceries on the belt. All rung up, and I swiped my debit card. Declined. I swiped it again. Declined. I swiped it a third time; very quickly, in case the speed made a difference. DECLINED!! I was starting to freak out. I couldn't use credit, because you must have a PIN, and I don't know mine. I couldn't write a check, because I was using my moms floating card. So I look at the cashier and say "I don't know what to do; it's not taking it. I can't write a check, because it's a business card." Lillie is screaming at the top of her lungs. It is hotter than the devil's ass in the store. I am sweating. People behind me in line are tapping their feet. I feel like I want the Earth to swallow me whole.

"I just put my husband's paycheck in, so I don't understand" I say.

"Of course you do ma'am," she says (I know this must have been sarcastic). "Okay, we'll call the manager to void it. Can you get cash to pay for it?"

"Yes, I can get cash out" I say. "Where is the ATM?"

"All the way down at the end, by customer service. Push your cart over there while you get it."

So I pushed my cart over by the area where you pick up the expensive items after you pay. Then I hauled the kids out of the cart. My son is upset, of course, because he thinks we are leaving without his giant box of fruit snacks. So I have to convince him that we are coming back for them. We go down to the ATM, and I swipe my card. My son pushes the red button. I swipe my card again to start over. My son pushes the green button. I tell him not to touch the buttons. I swipe my card again, and he reaches for the buttons...I hiss "DON'T TOUCH THE STUPID BUTTONS OR YOU WON'T GET TO TAKE THE FRUIT SNACKS HOME!"

I take out $380 (the total of my purchase was $619) and it says I have reached my limit for the day. SAY WHAAAAT?! I feel the lump rising in my throat. I start saying to myself "stay calm dammit. You're not going to cry!"

So I go over to the customer service. They, so helpfully, tell me that I should just buy my own membership! That way I can write a check. Instead I decide to call my bank. Apparently, my card has a $605/day limit. Who knew?! I went to two other stores before Costco. She said she wouldn't take the limit off for me, so I had to take the GPS and iPod out of my purchase and buy the groceries. Of course, Lillie was REALLY mad by now. Inconsolable. I was just glad to be out of there with my groceries, and without shedding a tear.

Then I went to my friend's wedding on Saturday, and teared up when she walked in! You can't hold them in all the time!

A Steaming Pile of Fun

Meet my new best friend....I call him Hoovy.

Hoovy is a Hoover HeatSurge carpet cleaner.
Hoovy was purchased as a luxury item about 5 months ago. I had just thrown away our crappy Little Green, after months of it oozing black stuff onto my cream colored carpet, and was fretting over the decision to buy a new one. Should I buy another little one? Do I want to spend the money to get a full sized carpet cleaner? These are tough decisions for the frugal minded. So after pacing up and down the isle in Wal Mart I finally hoisted it into the cart and walked quickly away beore I could change my mind.
Even as the unopened box sat in my car for the rest of the evening (because I didn't feel like bringing it in yet, since that is admitting your purchase) I debated if it was a good purchase. The next morning I woke up, fed the dogs and kiddo, and assembled Hoovy. Little did I know this would be a pivotal moment in my life.
The very next day my son tipped over a vase with nearly dead flowers in it, which happened to contain lillies. The pollen from the lillies mixed with the water in the vase and made a bright-ass yellow stain on my CREAM carpet. "Shit, that is never going to come out," I say to myself. Low and behold Hoovy came through for me on his first day on the job. Not a trace of yellow to be found.
Since then I have cleaned up many messes with it.
Last week, my husband walked across our carpet, again very CREAM colored, with grease on his boots. Murder was considered, but instead I put dish soap on it and sicked Hoovy on it. Success. It got it all out! A miracle to say the least.
However, I am beginning to resent my relationship with Hoovy since we got our new "puppy." I've been spending a good portion of my day cleaning up unidentifiable stains. I feel like carpet cleaning is my part-time job. In the last 3 days I have cleaned up: juice, tomato sauce, dog barf, dog pee, baby poop, and chocolate pudding (my husband again).
Maybe Hoovy and I should start charging for our services!

*This is an entry I wrote as a journal for another website about a year and a half ago. I decided to bring it here, because it's a good one. ;) Wouldn't want my readers to miss out!

Today's Mess

I've lost my mojo

A while ago I wrote about how much easier parenting two kids was than I expected. I would like to retract my previous statement and replace it with this. "AHHHHHHHH! HELP ME!" You see, while many of the things I expected to be hard about two kids are not as bad as expected. The thing is my daughter is growing up, and needs more attention. I have a really hard time getting things done, besides holding her.

I'm failing miserably at keeping my house clean! I basically do damage control all the time, and if company is coming I try to get it as clean as possible. It's just not up to my standards, and it's driving me nuts! The dust! You should see the dust piling up! This is not a priority. My priorities are as follows:
1) dishes/kitchen clean
2) clothes
3) garbage picked up
4) main living areas tidy
5)main living areas vacuumed
6)bathrooms
7) everything else is a bonus

When you type it out it doesn't sound like a lot to do, but then do all those things mixed in with feeding a toddler every 30 min, and a baby every 2 hours (or less right now). Plus, changing 2 sets of diapers! (My kids are being poop machines the last couple of days. It's ridiculous that their little bodies contain that much poo!) And then holding the baby while you do things or wearing her in the sling, which is okay, but not as good as her working on her motor skills alone.

Also, my son recently decided that he doesn't like to go play outside by himself anymore. Darn I knew nothing good could come of me making an effort to play with him more! Those parenting specialists don't know what they are talking about! He used to go out there and play for 30min to an hour with his dump truck and tractors, but now he wants me to go out there with him. I know it's cute, but it's messing with my "to do list."

My mom was telling me that I need to enjoy this time, and those moments where I'm just holding them or playing. I do! But...I also became slightly OCD about having a clean house when I got married. I'm afraid my MIL is going to surprise me with a visit someday (she has never done this, but still) and my house is going to be so messy she keels over. She's the cleanest person I know! How do you live up to that when you have two small children?

YOU CAN'T! If you are able to then you are either 1) on some kind of drug that keeps you up all night 2) from another planet or 3) a freakishly organized person and I think you're also an alien.

Anyway, all this adds up to the fact that I'm tired. T-I-R-E-D! And it's messing with my blogging mojo. I have a hard time getting on the computer at all, and it's impossible to blog from my iPhone! When I do get up here my mind is numb, and I feel like I have nothing funny to say. So hopefully the sporadic posts are keeping you somewhat entertained. It's the best I've got for now!

Comments

*For those of you that were having problems leaving comments after I switched blog themes, I have fixed this problem. Please let me know if you are still experiencing difficulties.

Uncomfortable Situations

For over a week now, I've been having a serious case of writer's block. Probably if I wasn't trying to write a humor blog I would have lots of things to say, but sometimes you just don't feel funny. Lo and behold I went to Spokane again today. This place is a goldmine for blogging apparently. I came back with the idea for 3 different blogs. I'm going to start with this one though, because it is the one I have developed the most in my head.

Here is a list of situations I find uncomfortable. Once again, I encourage you to respond with your similar situations to continue the laughs.

1. Using the bathroom at a restaurant and seeing an employee leave without washing their hands. Eww! This situation is never a good one. It gives you a huge case of the icks. The worst is when you see that AFTER you've eaten your meal and are preparing to leave the restaurant. If you notice before you can still leave before you've been infected with whatever nasty bacteria you could get, but after you've already eaten. Ya, there is no feeling like knowing you might get sick. The ironic part is how often do you get sick at a restaurant that you see a worker not wash their hands? Not often. It's usually a sneak attack when you think you're safe!

2. Sitting in the gynecologist office waiting room. You're just all sitting around knowing your going to get every one's favorite exam. There is no escaping it. Everyone there knows that you're going to have a doctor's face between your legs within minutes of each other. Now that I think about it. It's kind of like your doctor is cheating on you with everyone in the room. We should all be really catty in the waiting room. Instead we're like {whispering} "are you done with that People Magazine? Oh you're here to see Dr. Smith too. Their the best, aren't they? My vagina used to hate going for a checkup. She would break out in a cold sweat, but not since I started seeing Dr. Smith!" Where else in real life do you have that conversation?

3. Sitting on a public toilet and reading about STD prevention. It's just not something you want to think about at that particular moment. It's a good thing to warn people about, but it just gets you thinking. What's on this toilet? Was someone just sitting here and said to themselves "oh my, I didn't even think about getting a disease from that guy with the icky sores. Maybe I should get checked?!" No, you want delusions that everyone who sat on that toilet before you had a pristine hiney. Nuns. That's who I want to have sat on that toilet before me. Nuns.

4. Elevators! I find elevators to be highly uncomfortable for two reasons. 1) you are in such close quarters with people you sort of feel obligated to talk to them. It's kind of like being locked in a closet with someone and not talking to them. But it's doubly awkward, because you don't know what floor they are getting off on. Maybe your conversation will be cut short! Then you just sound like a buffoon. 2) The elevator is sometimes to full to fit everyone in your family in the car. So then you feel like an idiot for trying to press yourselves into the elevator with all your baby gear. Sometimes you just can't fit, and then you feel dumb for wasting every ones time instead of just sending them on and waiting for the next one.

5. When someone waves from far away and it looks like they are waving at you, but they could be waving at someone behind you. That's awkward! You wave back hesitantly. Unsure if they are waving at you. Only to find out they weren't! This is more embarassing when it's an aquaintance who is really waving at someone they like more than you.

Package Problems

Not that you perverts. I know what you were thinking when I said "package problems!" You were hoping for another post about s-e-x! Welp, sorry to disappoint you, but I want to talk about something a little more mundane.
Have you purchased anything in a clam shell (focus...I know it's easy to get sidetracked by dirty thoughts!) or in the children's toy aisle recently? The precautions they take to keep people from stealing things have gotten out of control. Anytime you buy an electronic accessory of some sort you are forced to contend with the molded plastic clam shell monstrosities they are packaged in. Those things are so difficult to get into that someone invented a tool to open them more easily. I don't remember what the tool is called, but I wish I did. I would buy it. It probably comes in a clam shell too. So then what are you supposed to do? You make some strategic cuts and then try to Hulk that thing open like you're tearing phonebooks in half. I've cut myself more than once on one of those bad boys. YIKES! Maybe I should sue someone for the physical pain I endure opening their product. It really takes away from the joy of opening that brand new sparkly cellphone charger when it takes you an hour to wrestle it out of the package.

Then there are the toy packages. Seriously Fisher Price, I think two freakishly, hard to untwist, twisty ties is ample to secure your Little People Airplane in it's packaging. You don't have to put ten of them. I mean if someone is going to sit in the store aisle, and somehow manage to finagle that toy out of the box with a few of those twist ties AND dodge the surveillance cameras; I say they deserve that free toy. That would really be something!! I can barely get those puppies out in the comfort of my own home under the impatient eye of my toddler. After a while, he just gets frustrated and just decides to play with it in the box, because he can't wait! Now that's embarrassing. Your own child gives up hope of you ever getting that toy free from the package!

Kreativ Blogger Award

Thank you so much to Kim from My Parenting 411 for nominating me for her Kreativ Blogger Award. It's really flattering! Especially when you've only been blogging for a short time!

Kim's blog is really neat. It's about her experiences and advice for how to handle parenting situations. She is a former school teacher and has some really great tips! Check her out sometime at http://www.myparenting411.blogspot.com/

Here are the RULES of this Award:
(1) Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
(2) Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
(3) Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
(4) Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
(5) Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
(6) Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
(7) Leave a comment on each of the blogs, letting them know they have been nominated.

To follow the rules of this award, I am choosing the following blogs to receive this award...
1. Mommy Confessions
2. Mommygaga
3. Serenity Now!
4. Blog Like Ninja
5. ZenMom
6. Nanny Goats in Panties
7. Playgroups are no place for children

Seven Facts about Me...
1. I'm a mother of 2. I have a 2.5 yr old son and a 4 month old girl.
2. I come from a large family.
3. I love blue cheese. Well most cheeses really!
4. I'm a historical fiction junkie.
5. I actually enjoy a lot of childrens movies and shows.
6. I have two dogs. Edward & Merry. They are Boston Terrier cuties.
7. I love being a housewife. It's my favorite job ever!

So Little Time

You'd be surprised what you can get done in an hour. Since, I became a mother, let alone a mother of two, I can literally clean almost my whole house in 1 hour. Now it won't be "eat off the floor clean" or "the MIL is coming over clean," but it is definitely not shameful! Before I had kids this might take me all day. Now I have learned to clean in a whirlwind of furry. A bag for garbage tied to my waistband, a rag for wiping slung over my shoulder, and madly throwing toys into bins!
This morning I woke up around 9:30 (thank you very much you saintly little children for letting your mother recharge her batteries) and soon after my friend called. I haven't seen her for a very long time, and she just moved back to town. So she asked if she could stop by this morning, and of course I'm not going to turn that down no matter how dirty my house is.
So I had 1 hour to do the shower ritual, clean the house, and get breakfast. I managed to get all that done, and now I'm just waiting for her to get here. This is no small task considering our house is 2300 sq. ft. *takes a bow* THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YOU'RE TOO KIND! (sorry that was just me imagining the praise you're giving me. Just kidding!) Now that she's taking a little longer, I might try to go do something over the top like vacuum!

My last shred of sanity...

On Friday, I was about to check myself into the Loony bin! My children are driving me to the edge. As I've said before, in the past I would get so wound up that I felt I was always yelling at my son. Part of that was being pregnant and having a toddler, but I was also focusing on the negative. Well, since my baby girl arrived I have made a huge effort to find the humor in situations instead of getting uptight. This rule, however, has exceptions for days where my son literally does the opposite of everything I say, gets into things he knows aren't allowed, and uses his sippy cup of chocolate milk as a crop duster on my carpet. The rule also doesn't apply to days where all those things happen, and my daughter decides to cry at the drop of a hat and wake me up for good at 5am. All these things compounded have me feeling so frazzled that I would be willing to set my children on the curb with a $50 tucked in each of their pockets and a FREE sign. I might do it just for 5 min of quiet and then go bring them inside (you think they would still be there? Probably, if they were still crying.) This dramatic incident, which I like to call TI PMS (Toddler/Infant Pissy Me Syndrome) lasted for 3 days this last week. (Actually, I'm not sure it's over. *crosses fingers it is*) It resulted in a headache so bad that I wanted to decapitate myself just to get some relief. I hate the sight of blood though. So I just took one of my leftover post partum pain pills. It was that bad people...a near migraine from tension. Don't go running off and telling people that I'm a pill popper now...it was just one. It didn't even make it go away totally, but it did a lot to dull it. Enough so, that when I put my son in his room for an extended time out I was able to tidy up the whole house! By the way, it's amazing what taking one person out of the situation will do. That time out, allowed my daughter to sleep, which seems to be her main problem. I cleaned the house, which was adding to my stress. And my son was so glad to be released from his room that he behaved pretty darn good for the rest of the evening.
I really hope this whole TI PMS thing is over though. I don't know how many days in a row I can handle this attitude.

Assembly Blitz

After dinner on Tuesday night we decided to put together all the furniture for Lillie's room. I think we may have underestimated the amount of time this would take. The crib was the easy part. It only took about 15 minutes to assemble, but the chest of drawers...holy cats. If you've never tried to put one together let me just go ahead and recommend that you buy one already assembled. Please. For the sake of your sanity. They are ridiculous! They have about a million pieces to spread out all over the floor.

Really I don't mind putting things together. I kind of like starting with a bunch of pieces and ending up with a whole thing, but my husband literally hates putting things together. This doesn't stop him from telling me what to do the whole time. He makes me read the directions, and then tells me that I'm reading them wrong. If I had been in a bad mood this could have been a tense situation, but instead I was chuckling at his grumpiness the whole time.

Putting the dresser together required several different screwdrivers, even though it said it only needed one. For some parts we were able to use a battery powered one, which is awesome. Except the battery ran low part way through (my son was playing with it for a while before he went to bed...that couldn't have worn the battery down at all.) So then I had to plug it in and we were waiting for it to charge so we could finish. I used this time to start assembling drawers. They didn't need the battery powered screwdriver. My husband used this time to lay down amid all the parts and pieces and complain about assembling things. I really wanted to take a picture of this, but he was only in his underwear and I didn't think that it would go over well if I posted that on the interwebs. So I had to put all 6 drawers together myself, and he only put the handles on! The easiest part!

When we finally got everything put together, it was such a relief. It only took about 3 hours! And by the way, Graco may say that they have "quality" pieces of furniture, but I beg to differ. The things I bought from Ikea were easier to assemble, easier to move, and less expensive. So there you go!

Things I Wasn't Prepared for in Motherhood

I got to thinking the other day, as one of these things happened, that no one told me about these things. Or maybe they did and I said "ya right that will never happen to me...my kids will be better than that." Wasn't that naive of me?! I mean you go into parenting knowing that things will change about your everyday life. That you'll have less time to yourself. That you have to change diapers now. That you will have to give up things for your child's sake. Those things you are prepared for, but there are other little things you didn't know would happen. Those moments come and you just sit there, bewildered, and blinking, and think to yourself. "No that didn't just happen to me? My free lifestyle got traded for this?!"

Here we go:
1) Immediately after you give birth, you suddenly don't care how many people walk into that delivery room. You're so tired, and relieved that you literally don't care if people see your Hoo Haw. I was stunned by this when I later gained back some modesty!

2) The first time you stand up after giving birth everything will look like a horror show happened there. I'm breaking a code of ethics among mother's here, because this is something that no one talks to you about until after you have a baby. Otherwise, it might scare people who haven't had kids. Most people that read this have kids, so if you don't...it's really not that bad. *wink* *wink*

3) When you give birth, a good portion of your brain falls out with the baby. I had heard of "mommy brain," but again I thought it wouldn't happen to me. I've had an audio graphic memory nearly all my life, but once I had kids I forget things so easily. I should buy stock in sticky notes! I have to write EVERYTHING down. Even ideas for my blog. (My iPhone has a notepad that is great for this, by the way!) If you ask me my birthdate I may or may not remember it on a given day, but I can sure as heck tell you how many times my kid pooped that day so far! Speaking of poop...

4) I didn't think that poop would become a major aspect of my life. NEVER, EVER, did I think that I would worry about how many times my kids have pooped that week. Never did I think that I would have my child spray me with poop mid-diaper change...more than once. Never did I think that I would be cleaning poop off the carpet after my son decides he would rather use the floor than his diaper or the potty. Certainly, I never expected to do a dance and make up a song for my son that says "you went poop on the POTTY...WHOO...You're a big boy now...WHOO!" Never. I'm way too cool for that! Don't even ask me how many times I've had my son pee on me either...can't count them all!

5) I didn't realize my clothes would become a Kleenex for my kids. Pretty much self-explanatory. Your kids will wipe anything on their face onto your shirt. Which leads me to...

6) I didn't expect to find stained shirts acceptable for everyday wear. When my son reached a certain age he would either wipe snot, food, or spit on my shirt every time I picked him up. So it got to the point where I would just pick a shirt out of my closet and if it had a stain I would say "like it matters...I'm just going to get more on it later!" Sometimes I go in public like this without even noticing, but when someone tells me I'm not even embarrassed.

7) Getting things sneezed into my face. Let's see I've had spit (normal sneeze), pureed squash, cottage cheese, sticky red medicines, sticky clear medicines, and various other substances sneezed into my face since I became a mother. Every time it happens I think of those variety shows where they get a pie smashed in their face and have to wipe their eyes clear to see. Plus, you always get that same look of utter disbelief, and resignation when it happens.

8) Barf. I can't even tell you how many times I've been barfed on since I became a mom. It happens a LOT when my kid is sick, because he doesn't feel good and comes running to me just as the chunks are rising...voila! Mom is barfed on. The worst part about it is that it doesn't bother me as much as I thought. I have always had a weak stomach, and was a huge sympathy puker. I mean I threw up when I had to clean up dog barf only about a year before my son was born. Since I became a mom I can clean up any barfy mess you give me! And I could tell you some stories about barfs around here!

9) Baby erections. It makes me uncomfortable every time! I'm trying to be a mature mom and ignore it, but I just want to say "cover up boy...that's not Kosher!" Or laugh and point. One of the two! I know...so mature.

10) Being followed like the pied piper. But in my house it's not rats. It's dogs, kids, and even my husband. I can't shower by myself. I can't go to the bathroom by myself. Every time I turn around I'm tripping on someone or something. It really makes things take a lot longer than they should. Some days I get so fed up with it I have actually yelled "will everyone please go do something else and leave me alone! I just want to load the dishwasher without you all in the way! GAHHH!!"

Those are all I can think of now, but feel free to add some of your own in the comments!

Making Room

This weekend we are starting to make Lillie's room. It used to be our office, so I have to go through and switch furniture and reorganize lots of papers, etc. Why is it I never realize how much junk I have until I go to do something like this? I think it will take an hour or two to complete and it takes a couple days. Mostly because my little helpers aren't so helpful. Byron keeps dragging things out that I just put away and playing with my printers (he must think since I moved it out to the family room it's okay to touch now...). The rooms I'm rearranging are upstairs, and Lillie is downstairs napping on the dryer. That means I have to go up and down the stairs every time she wants the Binky back in. It's good for the exercise program though! Just frustrating for my personality. See, I'm one of those people that likes to sit down and finish a project all at once or I'm afraid I never will. It's so daunting to have to keep starting and stopping every time someone needs a drink, a snack, a Binky, a boob, etc. I'm sure I'll get it done sometime this summer.
Anyway, just wanted to write a quick note about my frustrations, while I'm cuddling the toddler. (He is being very clingy today, this is also not helping.)

I'm so tir...Zzzz

Today was kind of craptastic. I've had worst days as a mother, but if there is a grey area between great days and the worst days of your life...this is in the grey area closer to the worst side.

First of all, my daughter is having some issue. She's got a little temperature, and a runny nose and will NOT sleep. It's either teething or another cold. I'm hoping it's teething, because this cold business is just about to send me over the edge. Really?! Another cold?! Really? Give me a break! So if baby isn't sleeping then of course neither is mommy. I think I got maybe 2 hours of sleep total last night. Every time I'd get her quieted down, and I was just about to drift off into a deep sleep she would start wailing again. So basically I had an entire night of cat naps. Not good enough!

I was so tired when I got up this morning that anytime I closed my eyes I would nod off. I could be standing up, talking, reading, texting, Facebooking, eating...you name it...I fell asleep doing it today. Bad news, bears! It's pretty bad when you consider eating coffee grounds for the caffeine instead of just making coffee. I don't like plain coffee though, it's got to be coffee masquerading as cocoa for me to drink it. But I digress.

So anyway, even though I was tired, and Lillie was crying off and on all day, I had to go to the store today. We were out of milk and ice cream, which is an emergency in this house. (Plus, I have this handy new gadget on my iPhone that is a grocery list, and I had about 12 things on there. Sounds like a reasonable number of items to go to the store and get if you ask me.) So I pack my kids up and head in to Wal Mart. On Memorial Day.

So everyone was in vacation mode except me. To me it was just a normal day since my husband was working and I stay at home. Before I left home I tried to feed Lillie, and of course she wasn't hungry then. She was hungry about 3 minutes into shopping though, and proceeded to scream the entire shopping trip. The worst part about this is that EVERY person that walked by would look at her with this pity face and say "aww poor baby." Which is sweet of them, except it made me feel like the worst mom in the world. Like every person who said that was saying, "I'm sorry your mom is a horrible person and makes you go to Wal Mart when you don't feel good and are hungry you poor sweet little baby girl." Just what I need more guilt as a parent! Besides that, have you ever tried to shop while your kid is screaming? It makes you just want to throw random stuff in your cart and run for the register to get out of there! It's maddening to listen to and I can't concentrate on what I might need to make a meal. So now I'm going to have to go back another time and get more groceries to complete the shopping trip. This time I ONLY got things on my list. So finally we pay and get out of there and head for the car. We get there and guess what...there is a parking lot fender bender blocking my escape. BLAST IT ALL...FOILED AGAIN! (Just ignore my cheesy lines...it's the lack of sleep talking.) So I fed the baby in the car and by that time the police had come and made them move out of the way.

After I got home and unpacked the groceries and made lunch. My husband came home early, so that was one good thing that happened today. Then the baby went to sleep and Byron was watching his cartoons, so I decided to take a little nap. Except my son suddenly decided that he wanted to yell about things, or needed me for something. So again I only got in a couple little cat naps. Those are maddening...your body gets so ticked off at you for fooling it into thinking it might get to rest! So then I was cranky for the rest of the day. I feel bad for my family having to put up with me being snippy.

I hope I get to sleep more tonight! *crossing fingers*

Mini Vacation ReCap

It's sad when you call going somewhere 2 hours away a mini vacation, but my husband works so much that it's hard to go anywhere. I had a doctor's appointment on Thursday and he made an appointment for his semi to get detailed at the same time, so we just stayed in Spokane for a couple of days. We stayed at the nicest hotel in town called The Davenport Hotel. It's absolutely gorgeous. We stayed there for our honeymoon a few years ago. May I just say that it was more relaxing the first time. I should have remembered that staying in a hotel with kids isn't relaxing. I just did it a few weeks ago in Iowa. Apparently, I have lost part of my short term memory that remembers painful experiences. Okay, it wasn't THAT bad. It just wasn't as relaxing as I hoped.
We ate some really good food! That's a highlight except for the part where I am supposed to be watching what I eat.
We met some interesting people. By interesting I mean weird and frightening. For instance, we took Byron to the children's museum there called Mobius. We got there less than an hour before closing, but it's not a very big place. So you would think they would offer a discount at that time of day, but they didn't. So anyway, we are paying to get in and the lady asked if we wanted a year membership. We told her we were from out-of-town and so that wouldn't work for us. Just then a strange little man pops around the end of the counter and says "where from?" So we said "Moses Lake."
To which he says "oh, I'm sorry." (are we in 5th grade? who says that?)
The lady taking our money said "oh don't say that John it's rude."
Then he began rambling on and on about how he drove through our town once and how terrible it was and boring and blah blah blah. My husband and I were just looking at him with complete blank stares as he kept digging himself into a hole. While he was talking and I was blank staring I was also thinking to myself "Okay Mr. I Haven't Brushed My Teeth in a Month and I have a Rat Tail....You really aren't convincing me that Spokane is any better."
Our town is kind of boring. I'll admit it it. It's small, but I like it better than Spokane. We have our little town weirdos that you see on a regular basis, but after a while they become normal to you because you "know" them. Like the guy that walks around and lays in the road with his shoes off and placed neatly next to him. Or the guy that walks his dog in a Rascal (one of those motorized wheelchairs) wearing a coonskin cap. Or the old lady that walks around with her hair in a side ponytail, and leaves her teeth at home. But in Spokane, there are those same weirdos times a 100,000. So I don't know what he's bragging about.
Later last night we went swimming in the hotel pool and there was a family with 3 kids and the mom was pregnant again. There isn't anything weird about that, except for the fact that she was gorgeous, skinny as a toothpick and had long, perfectly straight hair. I was thinking to myself "she's pregnant and she skinnier than I am AFTER I had a baby." Not just skinnier than me, though, she was like a size 2. Life isn't fair.
Today before we came home I had to stop at the Department of Licensing to get a permit for my husband. I get this permit every month here at home, but I forgot to get it before we left. My husband needs that before he leaves on Sunday night for work, and of course nothing will be open on Monday. So I go into this local office, and the first lady I see says that she can't process my permit, because I don't have a Heavy Road Tax on file there. So I asked her if she can call the Moses Lake office and have them fax it. Well, she just "doesn't know what to do." So I have to wait until the other lady, who I will affectionately refer to as the HBIC (Head B*tch In Charge) from now on, is done explaining to another customer why she can't do anything to help her. (I don't know what made me think it would be any different when it was my turn.) So then I get up to the HBIC finally, and I explain her her that I need her to call and have them fax the tax document here. So she reluctantly gets up from her throne and gets a book that has all the licensing office numbers in it (why didn't the minion know about this book?) and uses her red and silver 2" long nails to page through. Then she calls the office and they fax it over no problem. I'm a regular there and they know me! Then the lady gets the paper and looks it over and notices that the serial number is different. *sigh* Last year the DOL sent me the renewal notice for the wrong truck, so the tax got paid for the wrong vehicle and it was totally FUBARed. It wasn't my fault though, and the ladies here understand that. The HBIC, however, rules that she will not sell me tonage, even when I explained the situation. A total waste of my time, and I let her know it. If it wouldn't have resulted in the police being called I might have thrown some magazines at her. When I called the office here the ladies couldn't believe that she was being so ridiculous.
The rest of the day after that was uneventful. So this concludes our story! :)

Getting Freshened Up

When did showering become my most conflicting time of the day. First of all, it is about the only 10 minutes I get totally to myself. Unless a) my son comes in and talks to me while I shower b) my husband comes in and talks to me while I shower or c) the baby screams while I shower. All of which detract from my 10 minutes of serenity. I don't understand why people feel the need to talk to you while you shower. In my opinion that is quiet time, but to each their own. Anyway, those are the most relaxing 10 minutes of my day barring any of the above three scenarios, which frankly happen more often than not.
The 10-20 minutes that follow the shower, however, are some of my least favorite of the day. I hate having to put clothes on, do my lotions and potions routine, and especially style my hair. It's just not one of those things that is fun for me. Back in the day, in college, when I had nothing better to do than spend an hour doing my hair while I pre-funked to go to the club with my girls, it was kind of fun. (Let's face it everything is more fun with a Smirnoff Ice and a song to shake your booty too!) But now I'm lucky if I can put on my lotion and deodorant back-to-back without someone screaming/crying for me. That's the part I hate now. I put on my lotion and then Byron will come in and say he needs another episode of Max & Ruby turned on. Then I put on my deodorant, and just as I'm reaching for my tooth brush the baby starts screaming. Then I brush my teeth, and just as I'm plugging in the hair dryer I will hear any number of noises that put the fear in a mother. Usually a crash noise, or a loud shrieking cry or a knock at the door (I'm still naked at this point.) (Nothing worse than answering the door in your robe, because it basically announces that you were naked when the doorbell rang.)
So anyway, by the time I get all of that done and get dressed and put on make-up it seems like half the day is gone. Sometimes I have to stop to breastfeed the baby just so I can make it through my "get ready for the day routine." Maybe I should take up the habit of drinking a Smirnoff Ice while I get ready everyday. No...nevermind...people would probably frown on that.

Silence

I don't know what it is about having kids that makes you appreciate silence, and small moments to yourself. A haircut is luxurious and relaxing. Doing housework with no toddler following behind you destroying what you've just cleaned is "fun."
I've been feeling really tired and over needed lately. My kids are being high maintenance. My dogs are being high maintenance, and my husband is MORE than high maintenance you'd think he was the King of England. I don't know how to explain to them all that I need some space, and the more they touch me the more I can't stand to be touched. But luckily, today my husband got home from work around Noon and he took our son with him for a couple hours while he does some running around for work. So I'm sitting here writing my blog, and Facebooking in COMPLETE silence while the baby sleeps. She's been so grumpy the last couple of days. I swear she is just exhausted too. Byron is always waking her up from her naps. He does it to be loving, but the poor thing never gets more than a 10 min catnap most days.
She started drooling a lot too so I'm wondering if she is teething early. Just what I need...a cranky baby with a mouthful of teeth early. Every breastfeeding Mother's dream!

The last 3 Days & Flying home: Part 3

Okay, before I get a case of "momnesia" and forget what happened the last few days of our trip I had better write about them. Although they were MUCH better than the first three. Byron really calmed down a lot on Friday. I don't know if it was the combination of swimming and more sleep or if it was because we went to eat and then just went to play at my friend Kelli's parent's house. Whatever it was he was acting like himself again. I mean he still asked to go home all the time, but he wasn't being dramatic and throwing a fit. We made dinner at their home that night instead of eating out, and Byron ate a ton of a green beans. Nothing else, but I'm not gonna argue with him for eating his vegetables! Then we went home and went swimming again, and to bed.
The next day was Saturday, and a gorgeous warm day. We went to the zoo with Stacy, Brooke, Kelli, and all the respective offspring. It was a total blast! Byron is still talking about the "animools." Those 2 1/2 hours were probably the only ones the whole trip that he didn't ask to go home. I did, however, get my first dirty look for breastfeeding in public. This has seriously NEVER happened to me in Washington. I was using a blanket to cover up too, which I never used to do with my son, but have suddenly become more modest! My friend was also changing a diaper on the bench next to me, and this lady walked by and rolled her eyes and said "oh my gosh." (Or something of the like) RIDICULOUS! I'm sorry feeding my kid wasn't convenient for you lady. None of us could believe it.
The last day we spent with my brother at his house just relaxing and eating Chinese food. Byron asked to go home a lot, but I could tell him that we were going "as soon as the airplane comes to pick us up."
So at about 5:30pm we loaded up and headed for the airport. We got checked in and then realized we had to go down further to a different counter to check baggage. Once we checked the bags they informed me that I needed to take the bags over to the security scanning area. This gave me a miniature panic attack. I had 2 car seats (one with wheels and a kid strapped in it), and one infant one....then I had a backpack for me, and a backpack for Byron, and a large wheeled suitcase for Lillie and I and a duffel bag for Byron. I wasn't sure how I was going to get all that the 50 ft across the airport. (In hindsight this seems ridiculous that I was mentally freaking out, but it had been a VERY exhausting week.) One of the ladies from the counter helped me over there though, and we went on our way through the checkpoints to our gate. We were pros at this by now, already knew what to take off and such. We got to our gate and Byron spied the candy machine...and I thought what the heck...he can have a treat for being good today. Now, this could have been bad. Once he had eaten most of it I was thinking..."you're an idiot you have to fly with him on a plane for the next 5 hours." But fortunately he was so tired that it didn't matter. We got on the first plane and he was out! We got to the next airport and he did good most of the time, but did have a little tantrum about eating. He wanted to get out of his car seat/gogo kidz, and I said "no." (More like a HELL NO, because we are in a busy airport and I have a baby strapped to my chest and a huge backpack on and I don't want you thinking it would be funny to run away from me.) So he didn't want to eat his pizza, because I wouldn't let him out. I just kind of ignored him and got all set up and fed the baby and ate my food. Of course after Lillie was done, this lady came over and said that there were nice family lounges just down the breezeway. Too bad I didn't know about that BEFORE I fed us in the middle of the mall inside the airport that was packed with people. I went there after we got all done eating to change the diapers, and I thought "how relaxing...too bad I didn't know about this before."

Being as our flight was at 9:30pm I thought that it wouldn't be very full...boy was I wrong. That thing was packed! Who would have thought so many people fly from Minneapolis to Spokane on a Sunday night. We got to our seats and I thought it said we had the aisle and middle seat, which sucks if you're putting a car seat in...so I put Byron in the middle seat and sat on the aisle. Well, I was wrong, and a man had the aisle, so I squeezed past Byron into the window seat. All well and good until mid-flight Lillie craps her pants. Not just a little one either....all the way up her back! I couldn't get out because Byron was watching a movie and that guy was sleeping, and the person in front of me was leaned all the way back. I had like 1 foot of space over my lap. I had to reach into my bag and get everything out by feel. I don't know how I managed to get all that poop off and her clothes without getting it everywhere. I mean most of you know how runny little baby poop is! When I was almost done Byron started thrashing around and knocked the poopy diaper and all the wipes I used onto the floor. So I had to pick them all up BY FEEL...and then use another wipe to wipe off my hands. However, that was the end of the mid-flight pooptastrophy. Then about 40 minutes from our arrival time Byron just decides that he is done. No more travelling, no more flying. He is going to let us all know how tired he is and he just starts screaming and crying. Lillie is asleep at this point so I'm trying to calm Byron down, but not wake her up, and this lady across the aisle switches places with the guy sitting next to Byron and saves the day. She was a Grandma. She showed Byron her pictures on her camera of her grand kids, and a cute little cookbook she bought them. I am so thankful for that lady saving my sanity.
Then we arrived, and somehow I managed to get us, and all of our luggage curbside for the shuttle to pick us up and take us to our car. After that it was all gravy. We got in the car and the kids were out in minutes, and we were home in less than 2 hours. I was so glad to get home I had to Facebook before bed and didn't get to sleep until after 2am.
Since we got home we have all slept in everyday for the last week. There's no place like home!

The first 3 days: Part 2

As I said before, the flying was the part that I expected to be the hardest. Boy was I wrong. I didn't realize that my son was going to be like a fish out of water for the first half of the trip. He couldn't go to sleep at night. I had to turn all the lights off in the hotel room and just sit there with him on his bed until he fell asleep. This usually took about an hour.

Once he was asleep around 9 or 10pm (which is only 7 or 8 our time) I would lay in bed and watch TV or Facebook until I could go to sleep. I got to sleep around 11pm most nights, so now that I'm home I'm ready for bed around 9 or 10pm. He would sleep well once he was asleep and wake up about 12 hrs later. So that was good, but it didn't seem to improve his mood that much, and it also meant that we missed breakfast at the hotel a lot.

The first day we went to visit my friend Stacy at her house. She babysits 4 other kids under 4 and has her own daughter Nina who is 2. (That seems crazy to me, but she does a good job!) Byron was being okay at first, but the longer we were there the more difficult he was getting. He wasn't being nice to the other kids, and just generally doing things he doesn't normally do. Stacy's daughter wasn't in a good place either, which helped a little (mentally for me.) Byron and Nina kept trading off who got to sit in the Time Out Chair. While we were at her house both kids pooped, and Lillie's was a total blow-out. I had forgotten to throw in an extra outfit, so Stacy was nice enough to give me one of her daughter's baby sleepers. After I had about enough of Byron picking on everyone we decided to leave and go take a drive. I could tell Byron was till exhausted from his cold and lack of sleep the night before our flight. So we drove around looking at familiar places to see how they changed. (The kids fell asleep in a matter of minutes, and this became a daily ritual to keep my sanity. A few minutes of peace and quiet everyday.) Later we met up with my brother and my niece (16 months) for pizza at his house. Byron was a little better, but was still being really pushy with her and not sharing well. Back to the hotel around 7:30, and then we started the nightly struggle to get to sleep.

The next day (Thursday) we were planning to go to the zoo, but even though the temperature was nice it kept showering every so often. So my friend Brooke, her daughter Lily (9 months) and our little troop went to lunch (which Byron didn't eat), and then to the mall. Byron seemed very interested in the little car strollers, and since I didn't bring one with me I went ahead and got one even though I was hesitant. I mean really, $5 to rent a stroller?! Are you joking me? That seems a little pricey. Here is a picture of him enjoying the stroller I paid so much for, and might I just add that this also illustrates his mood the first half of the trip. We thought he would enjoy playing at the indoor play area, but he played about 2 minutes and was done. He liked the cars that you could put 75 cents in to ride, as long as you didn't actually put money in them. He also didn't enjoy the ice cream or $20 wood fire truck I bought him that day.

So here's the thing. I don't normally give in to my kid's every whim. I'm usually much more mean than that, but I was grasping at straws. I needed him to be happy, and I was willing to do whatever it took to get it. Let this be a lesson though, it didn't work. He was still terrible no matter what I let him do. I think he appreciated it more when I started being mean again!

Anyway, for dinner that night we went to a really fun 50's diner called Stella's. You get milkshakes poured on your head, and there is jukeboxes at your table. It's a fun place, but Byron refused to enjoy it. So here is a picture of him yelling at me that he wants to go home and me trying to defuse the situation. He kept trying to squirt me with the ketchup and mustard bottles and I had only one sweatshirt with me.

After dinner (which Byron didn't eat) we went back to the hotel and I decided to try swimming with him. He hasn't been swimming since he was like 9 months old, so I didn't know if he would like it. He fought me the whole way down to the pool, and then once we were there I could hardly get him to leave. It totally changed his mood and he actually ate his leftover fries.